rocked by God.

It's the breakthrough I've been waiting for, searching for, striving for, agonizing over, crying over, needing for my entire life...and I never even knew what i was looking for...until yesterday.

God *accepts* me as I am. I cannot earn his *love* and his *grace* no matter how hard I try. I have already been given *new life* in Christ.

Seems pretty basic I guess--I've heard it over and over, and even told myself that I accept it. But I have had the most difficult time truly receiving it and I never knew why--I just never understood. I know the words, but I didn't know their power.

For my entire life, I have struggled through never feeling wanted, valued, appreciated, legitimate, confident, good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, never feeling accepted by anyone. It's been hard for me to accept the good things of God, never accepting them before and not even knowing how. Even when on the outside I appeared ok, on the inside I was crying out and beating myself up. The anger and resentment I had for who I had become and all of the baggage that was holding me back kept me from receiving God's acceptance of me. There was always something blocking me.

In God's perfect timing, he brought to the surface the roots of these issues, things that have held me in bondage these first 20 1/2 years of my life. He gave me eyes to see the things that I had blocked out of my mind for years, and things about my childhood and upbringing that I never understood. He even brought to light things in my family's past--HUGE things--that I never even knew went on but have been dealing with the effects of for my entire life.

For the first time, I faced the reality of the extent of my own fallen nature. The initial hurt of these revelations was like nothing I have ever felt. But they caused me to cry out to God harder than ever before. I finally realized how much I NEED God. There's no getting around it. I'm way to messed up to try to fix myself any longer.

I hung out with Pastor Carol yesterday and we prayed through some of these things. In prayer, God gave me this vision: I was standing infront of my house. The entry way was a solid brick wall with no door. There was no way around or through it. I was standing there, infront of the wall with a chisel and pic, trying so hard to tap my way in. I created some small holes, but my efforts were failing and I was tiring. I began to push on the wall with all my might, attempting to beat it down, frustrated and struggling, but still it stood firm. When I realized that there was no possible way for me to break down this wall, I stepped aside and looked to God. In one quick motion, he breathed on the wall and it crumbled to the ground and I walked through the door. On the other side there was peace and light and I greeted it with acceptance!

I know that the effects of this revelation will only continue to grow as God continues to reveal himself to me and as I continue to learn how to receive it. I feel a release in my spirit to be content and free like I have not yet experienced.

God is soooooo good.