seattle.

i looked out the window this afternoon and i thought the sky looked cool, so i headed down to kerry park to check it out and take some pictures:




just a few of the reasons why i love this city...

...
i need inspiration. another thing to add to my on-going list [see my past posts]. taking the time to admire the beauty of God's creation is one of the things that inspires me most. i love being outside and just observing the world around me. it makes me feel so ALIVE!

shower-time revelations.

i am convinced that all good revelations come in the shower. i'm not sure why it works that way. perhaps it is because for 15 minutes [yes, i take long showers] i am finally alone with my thoughts. today's revelation: i cannot pull self-discipline out of my ass. i can't just decide to *be* self-disciplined. especially if i have never had anyone close to me model it. my parents aren't self-disciplined, and my grandparents REALLY aren't self-disciplined. sooo...great! i sometimes get jealous of people who are incredibly self-disciplined. but for as crazy as my life is without much self-discipline, i think the rigidness of a life as disciplined and structured as some of those i know would drive me absolutely nutty.

i am a go-with-the-flow kind of person. kelly and i talk about this frequently. she is the same way. we "peaceful phlematics" enjoy a easy-going and peaceful lifestyle. i can't stand planning, orginization or administration. i don't often see the point. i'm about the big picture. i can set goals to get myself going, and then i will lose sight of my goals completely. and for me, that's ok, because the point is the process and the relationships that happen in between the beginning and the end. i don't really care where i end up, but i want to know that i have learned something and have grown along the way.

obviously, a working balance is required. 'balance' seems to have been the word of my life for the past year. i know that God is wanting to work in those weaknesses in my life. but figuring that out is a whole other story.

snow day.

today is a snow day! it would be even cooler if i had classes to be cancelled today. so really, for me, its just like a normal [yet really cold] tuesday. the wind chill is like 15 degrees. i walked outside in a t-shirt because there was a fire down the road across from noah's house [BRRR!!].


i prefer blogging to paper-writing. i have a 15-page paper to write for tomorrow. i haven't started writing it yet. probably because i really don't want to write it. but i am having a good time reading interesting articles online about rap music and their messages about women. if i can find enough written about it i will used that as my topic.

it feels like a saturday because all of my roommates are home. we are watching ellen degeneres and drinking tea! adrian is coming today, too! he just came back from the homeland [alaska]. AND two of my dear friends got engaged last night!! :) :)

i have a feeling that i will be distracted for the rest of this day. i will let you know.

-- update, 12:20 p.m. --

yep. still distracted. and now hungry too. i think i'm going to go get some thai food.

photo booth.

if my mac was cool enough to have a fancy little camera built in, i would take more pictures like these ones we took with beeks' computer:

[first house study session turned photo shoot]

[stirzel, beeks and yours truly]

[this reminds me of captain planet. i'm not sure why]

[i call it 'attitude']

the end.

balance.

i need a good balance. for whatever reason, i go crazy if my life is not balanced well. i just can't handle it. between trying to balance school work, internship work, personal life and various other things i usually feel like my life is just plain chaotic. i am finding that i need a lot of separation of my spheres of life in order for me to think clearly. my mind (without all the busy work) is a little chaotic on its own...

i am so much more sane when my life is more simple. obviously, life is complicated and always will be. but i don't think i should have to feel like i'm constantly going through the wringer, should i? ok, so the word says that there will trouble. ok, cool. but still. something's not right.

i need school to be school, work to be work and home to be home. i am wondering whether or not vocational campus ministry is for me. the more i experience it, the more i don't really like it, at least in the way i'm doing it now. i LOVE my discussion group and i LOVE meeting with people. i want to do more ministry like that. i think that maybe i am good at those things. i feel like God uses me in those things.

i'm not gonna lie, this overall quarter has not been enjoyable. and worse, i feel like i'm complaining a lot. (sorry if you've had to hear about it all quarter.) i am learning a lot about things, about myself, about life... so that is good...

blah.

musica.

maybe i could be a music photo journalist. imagine a job where i could just go to shows and travel around the world to the big music festivals and take pictures and write reviews. that would be tight. i should look into that. i will need a better camera though (and definitely some more picture-taking skills). but christmas and my birthday are coming very soon...

[ray lamontagne at sasquatch, may 2005]

[bluegrass band at the pike place starbucks, february 2005]

[united state of electronica at sasquatch, may 2005]

[the killers at the moore theater, april 2005]

[crazy tap-dancing girl, july 2005]

[my friends jimi, janis, john and van on a random wall in downtown san diego, september 2006]

more things figured out.

i need joy. i forgot that one on the list in my last post. i need to enjoy God. and i need confidence. i need to be confident of my identity in Christ. i need to understand my worth as a daughter of God. and i need strength from God to stand against fear and discouragement. i need affirmation. i need vision. i need passion. i need perseverance. i need to rise above. i need determination. i need to dream big. i need to be free to run after God.

all of these things are SO important to me! i need these things [and those things on my previous post] to be a consistent part of my life or i start to go crazy. it seems like a lot, and it is, and yes, it will never be perfectly balanced or maintained, but i need to always remember these things. thankfully, it's a lot easier to trust God for these things than trying to obtain them [or something like them] on my own.

jeremiah 17:7-8 has repeatedly rocked my world since i first read it over a year ago. the imagery is so incredible. i like the new living translation best. it goes: "but blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. they are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit." imagine such a life! after recently getting right with God and knowing little about his character, i read this and was floored. until then, i had not an ounce of true confidence. but this verse cut straight to my heart. this is the life i want: one of confidence, hope and trust in God; a life with deep roots in living water; one without fear or worry; a life that thrives and perseveres and never fails to bear fruit.

another thing i've been thinking about: i want to write a book for young women. nothing fancy--a memoir of sorts. i want to write about some of the things i've learned through my life thus far. issues of identity, confidence, strength, love, faith, family, relationships, boys, depression, anger, pain, self-worth, and so on. basically, i want to empower young women to walk in the confidence of God. i want to challenge young women to step up into their callings. i know that my thoughts will change over time as i mature and go through new life stages, but and i want to write it while i'm somewhat young. i think that there is something so powerful about speaking up to your peer group. and when i'm older maybe i'll write a follow-up book or something. :) just a thought that's been brewing... maybe i will talk to someone who has written a book.

that's all for now.

figuring things out.

i think that this blog has become a place for me to think through some things as i figure out who i am. it is very interesting to me. i have been thinking a lot about what i am going to do after i graduate. i want to do something that i love and that i would be good at. but i don't even know what that is. i think i need to understand who i am better before i jump into a "career" or something. i feel like derek zoolander looking into the puddle and asking himself, "who am i?" after losing the slashie award to hansel. it's kinda strange to reach a point in life and realize that you don't really know what you are good at or interested in. for some, it's always been obvious. for me, it hasn't seemed so obvious. but i am starting to see my true personality come out and it's a bit different than i thought, or at least different than i tried to make it be. maybe it's that i always knew what i love, but always felt like there were more practical things i could be doing. it's not clear yet, but there are a few things i am learning.

so now here are some things i know--some basic, some not--things that i feel are true to the truest me: i am a child of God. i am a daughter. i am a sister. i am a friend. i am a mentor. i am an artist. i am a writer. i am a musician. i am a counselor. i am a listener. i am an encourager. i love people. i love family. i love music. i love culture. i love diversity. i love adventure. i love to travel. i love to express myself. i value honesty. i value truth. i value vulerability. i value unconventionality. i need balance. i need grace. i need peace. i need intimacy. i want to make a difference. i want to serve. i want to love. i want to live. i want to be with God, to know Him, and glorify Him with my life.

i'm sure i will add to this later. but i think this might be a good starting point.

the truth will set you free.

"life is difficult. this is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. it is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."
- m. scott peck, the road less traveled

WORD. on one hand, it's hard to accept the fact that life is difficult. sometimes, i'm just like, wow this really sucks right now. on the other hand, i love it. i love coming out on the other end of a difficult situation with more peace, appreciation and understanding than i had before.

i love contemplating the complexity of life. there is so much to learn. i love having difficult conversations--between me and God, or between me and my family and friends. difficulty draws me so much closer to God and to the people in my life. then, somehow, "difficulty" doesn't seem so bad. it's actually kinda cool.

"i have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. in this world you will have trouble. but take heart! i have overcome the world."
- Jesus Christ, the gospel of john (16)

staight up!

growing up, or regressing?

A lot of people tell me that I am “mature.” “you look like you have it all together,” some say. This has always confused me. I have lots of problems. I don’t have it all together. I don’t always understand. I sometimes lose faith. I have serious mood swings. I cuss from time to time. I don’t feel like a very responsible person. I have occasional outbursts. I don’t have it all figured out.

Ok, what’s with all the confessions, you might ask. Well, I am finding that it’s pretty easy for me to hide the fact that I have problems. I am a master of appearing like I have it all together. I have always felt the compulsion to “be on top of things” and that if I failed I was a horrible person. But in this season of sorting through my life, becoming far more comfortable in my own skin, I am realizing that it’s really ok to not have it all together. It’s better, even, to not be perfect—in this world, at least. From the outside, it may look like I am regressing. I never cussed, rarely appeared upset, never voiced my opinions or my thoughts (good or bad). But I have stopped trying to “contain” myself and have allowed myself to let go. All of those things that I have held in are coming out. No, they are not all “good” but I can’t pretend anymore. I feel like I have been liberated. And God is teaching me more in this season than ever before.

I want to be raw, to be real and open. I want my life—my struggles and breakthroughs—to be an avenue for God to minister and to give hope. It’s a completely different way of living and relating than I’ve ever experienced. But as I come into this new understanding, I have seen my relationships grow deeper and have seen the Spirit move in new and powerful ways. It’s crazy.

Hiding is something I learned at a very young age. Ask me how I was and I would put on a smile and attempt to appear ok, just as my mom put on a smile and attempted to appear ok. Everyone thought I was reserved and mature. But no one knew that I hated myself, that depression consumed my life, that my overwhelming sense of fear and insecurity was what kept me so outwardly quiet and collected.

Inside I was screaming, but my fear kept me silent. I had thoughts and emotions, but it was easier for me to numb my mind to anything that had a chance of hurting me. For some, an outlet for such problems is more obvious, like alcohol or bad relationships. For me, it was completely internal. I closed myself in, hating myself, not understanding how I got to be so angry and sad, frustrated, wondering if this was all life was meant to be. Eventually, I quit taking part in all of my biggest passions (piano and soccer), and even fell away from the few friends I had. I knew nothing of joy or peace, or true acceptance. It was better to not even think about the state of my existence. I escaped into a fantasy, an ideal world in my mind, where love and fulfillment replaced anger and disappointment; a place where I was wanted and maybe even cherished.

My parents had been dragging me to church for several years since they became Christians when I was about nine years old, and I even thought that I must have been a “Christian,” but I was never really sure. I didn’t understand what was so great about a God that seemed so passive in my life; a God who wasn’t there in my darkest hours. I just didn’t get it. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the power of God’s hand in my life during that time. Now that I think about it, he was most likely what kept me from physically hurting myself.

Fast-forward a couple of years. I have fully accepted Christ as my Lord for a year and a half now. The God I know today is one of incredible love and peace and joy and revelation, and all of those things I longed for my entire life. God is repairing the deep hurt from the first 19 years of my life, making me into the woman he created me to be.

God does not intend for me to be perfect until I get to Heaven. In the mean itme, I am beginning to understand that He wants me to be completely and unashamedly me. I am still figuring out who that is, but He ministers to me and through me in the process. It’s pretty cool.

I think I am a lot more rough around the edges than most people think, at least more so than I have let people see in the past. But I feel like I am changed a little everyday. And so I press onward.

…
The more I seek you, the more I find you.
The more I find you, the more I love you.
I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand,
lay back against you and breathe, feel your heatbeat.
This love is so deep, it's more than i can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.
- Christ for the Nations, The More I Seek You

what is life if it's not lived?

i get distracted easily. i am finding more and more that my own curiosity keeps my mind constantly turning over, constantly seeking understanding, constantly reflecting on my life past, present and future. often i can't even focus on the things i need to do because my thoughts are so overwhelming. when i have something on mind, i can do nothing else but to think it through--to process and reflect-- and to pray until i come out with some sort of breakthrough.

about two months ago i wrote down that this season would be one of incredible soul searching. i am undecided at how big of an understatement that might have been. i have had so much on my mind in the past weeks that i haven't even been able to articulate it until recently. but many things are coming to the surface--things deep down in my soul and in my past that i never even realized. i love it when God reveals these things to me. my life begins to make so much more sense. who i am begins to make so much more sense.

i love journaling. it's my outlet and one of my most treasured forms of expression. once i start writing, i could go for hours, letting out my thoughts, asking tough questions, letting go of my fears, making my stand. i always learn something new about myself when i journal. there are thoughts so far removed from my immediate consciousness that i don't even realize them until they come out on the page--connections i never understood, feelings i never expressed.

last week, after an intense uprising in my spirit, my mind was a whirlwind of cloudy ponderings and so i sat down to journal, and what i wrote caught me a little off guard. i wrote that i hate feeling like i'm always preparing for my life and never living it. i wasn't really expecting that. though once i read it, it made perfect sense to me. it was exactly what i had been sensing deep down but had yet to discover. the unsettled feeling in my soul finally made sense.

i want to be a person who experiences the fullness of the here and now. if i am always "preparing" then i'm not actually living. i want to be out in the world. i want to get out of this bubble. i want to live. i want to be. i hate feeling like i'm only doing the things i do so that something will come of it in the future. i feel like i am jumping through hoops, exerting myself beyond my capabilities, and for what? an unreachable perfection that is so unnecessary that the thought of it gives me a headache? it's boring and draining and i hate it. (maybe hate is a strong word. but i feel strongly about this.) it's just not me.

i'm not perfect, and i don't want to be. who the heck would i relate to? i long for intimacy in my life. i want to dig deeper. i don't want to act like i have it all together, when most of the time i really don't. i want to get worked up and upset. it's incredibly liberating. i don't want to hold back. i want to be passionately devoted to the here and now, not forgetting the future, but not missing the present.

it's a mind-set thing (thank God). there is no need for me to enact some sort of huge reform on my schedule in order to change my life. it's an issue of focus--of knowing who i'm called to be, pressing into it and investing in it. it takes discernment and prayer. it takes an attitude of *being* and not just *doing*.

[ so this is where i change my life. ]