i get distracted easily. i am finding more and more that my own curiosity keeps my mind constantly turning over, constantly seeking understanding, constantly reflecting on my life past, present and future. often i can't even focus on the things i need to do because my thoughts are so overwhelming. when i have something on mind, i can do nothing else but to think it through--to process and reflect-- and to pray until i come out with some sort of breakthrough.
about two months ago i wrote down that this season would be one of incredible soul searching. i am undecided at how big of an understatement that might have been. i have had so much on my mind in the past weeks that i haven't even been able to articulate it until recently. but many things are coming to the surface--things deep down in my soul and in my past that i never even realized. i love it when God reveals these things to me. my life begins to make so much more sense. who i am begins to make so much more sense.
i love journaling. it's my outlet and one of my most treasured forms of expression. once i start writing, i could go for hours, letting out my thoughts, asking tough questions, letting go of my fears, making my stand. i always learn something new about myself when i journal. there are thoughts so far removed from my immediate consciousness that i don't even realize them until they come out on the page--connections i never understood, feelings i never expressed.
last week, after an intense uprising in my spirit, my mind was a whirlwind of cloudy ponderings and so i sat down to journal, and what i wrote caught me a little off guard. i wrote that i hate feeling like i'm always preparing for my life and never living it. i wasn't really expecting that. though once i read it, it made perfect sense to me. it was exactly what i had been sensing deep down but had yet to discover. the unsettled feeling in my soul finally made sense.
i want to be a person who experiences the fullness of the here and now. if i am always "preparing" then i'm not actually living. i want to be out in the world. i want to get out of this bubble. i want to live. i want to be. i hate feeling like i'm only doing the things i do so that something will come of it in the future. i feel like i am jumping through hoops, exerting myself beyond my capabilities, and for what? an unreachable perfection that is so unnecessary that the thought of it gives me a headache? it's boring and draining and i hate it. (maybe hate is a strong word. but i feel strongly about this.) it's just not me.
i'm not perfect, and i don't want to be. who the heck would i relate to? i long for intimacy in my life. i want to dig deeper. i don't want to act like i have it all together, when most of the time i really don't. i want to get worked up and upset. it's incredibly liberating. i don't want to hold back. i want to be passionately devoted to the here and now, not forgetting the future, but not missing the present.
it's a mind-set thing (thank God). there is no need for me to enact some sort of huge reform on my schedule in order to change my life. it's an issue of focus--of knowing who i'm called to be, pressing into it and investing in it. it takes discernment and prayer. it takes an attitude of *being* and not just *doing*.
[ so this is where i change my life. ]
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