ps. God is SO faithful. I know, I know. Of course God is faithful (the bible may say something about it...), but He really, really is. It's so good to realize it again. He gives me everything I need to spur me onward.
6.20.2007
gone for a while.
I am going fishing in Alaska until around the first of September. I may update my blog once or twice, if I feel so inclined (and find free wi-fi). Until then...
ps. God is SO faithful. I know, I know. Of course God is faithful (the bible may say something about it...), but He really, really is. It's so good to realize it again. He gives me everything I need to spur me onward.
ps. God is SO faithful. I know, I know. Of course God is faithful (the bible may say something about it...), but He really, really is. It's so good to realize it again. He gives me everything I need to spur me onward.
6.01.2007
in need of expression.
i supress my emotions. it may not seem like it, since if you've known me for even the shortest amount of time, you've probably seen me cry. but for some reason, a very long time ago, i decided that it would be a good idea to push back all of my deepest emotions into the depths of my soul, leaving them there to be forever hidden from everyone around me, and even hidden from myself.
my impulse says: "if i keep my emotions to myself then i don't have to get anyone else involved. i don't have to bother anyone with my issues, i can just pretend like they aren't there and at least pretend like i am fine. i will just be quiet and mild-mannered and things will be good. after all, who likes someone who is always stepping on their toes? who likes someone who drops cynical remarks left and right, who has an attitude, is stubborn, and a bit defiant? maybe if i'm just agreeable and friendly, or docile and reserved then people will have nothing to hold against me and they will accept me and like me."
but what a load of crap. the only thing that is produced by thoughts like that is an angry and dissatisfied individual who is pretending to be someone they're not. and that is no life anyone should have to live. it can be scary to allow ourselves to feel something so deeply, and it often hurts, but it's a part of the human experience and without expressing our deepest emotions we are ignoring an important part who we are.
i have been learning to express my true feelings more regularly. and interestingly enough, during two fits of rage in the last week, God has powerfully moved on my heart and spoken incredible life and peace into my soul. driving home last week, i was literally screaming and sobbing as i drove down the freeway, crying out to be free of my anger and frustration and bitterness, and all of a sudden an overwhelming peace filled my soul and rendered me near speachless.
last night after my long rant on this blog, i went to bed, tossed and turned for another hour, and then God gave me a vision of me talking to people at a high school reunion and people were shocked at how much i had changed. and he clearly spoke to me: don't forget who you were and how far i have already brought you. it was a powerful reminder for me to not get so frustrated with myself and with my life which sometimes seems so chaotic. knowing that God doesn't see my life as such a mess is profoundly comforting to me.
my impulse says: "if i keep my emotions to myself then i don't have to get anyone else involved. i don't have to bother anyone with my issues, i can just pretend like they aren't there and at least pretend like i am fine. i will just be quiet and mild-mannered and things will be good. after all, who likes someone who is always stepping on their toes? who likes someone who drops cynical remarks left and right, who has an attitude, is stubborn, and a bit defiant? maybe if i'm just agreeable and friendly, or docile and reserved then people will have nothing to hold against me and they will accept me and like me."
but what a load of crap. the only thing that is produced by thoughts like that is an angry and dissatisfied individual who is pretending to be someone they're not. and that is no life anyone should have to live. it can be scary to allow ourselves to feel something so deeply, and it often hurts, but it's a part of the human experience and without expressing our deepest emotions we are ignoring an important part who we are.
i have been learning to express my true feelings more regularly. and interestingly enough, during two fits of rage in the last week, God has powerfully moved on my heart and spoken incredible life and peace into my soul. driving home last week, i was literally screaming and sobbing as i drove down the freeway, crying out to be free of my anger and frustration and bitterness, and all of a sudden an overwhelming peace filled my soul and rendered me near speachless.
last night after my long rant on this blog, i went to bed, tossed and turned for another hour, and then God gave me a vision of me talking to people at a high school reunion and people were shocked at how much i had changed. and he clearly spoke to me: don't forget who you were and how far i have already brought you. it was a powerful reminder for me to not get so frustrated with myself and with my life which sometimes seems so chaotic. knowing that God doesn't see my life as such a mess is profoundly comforting to me.
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