i supress my emotions. it may not seem like it, since if you've known me for even the shortest amount of time, you've probably seen me cry. but for some reason, a very long time ago, i decided that it would be a good idea to push back all of my deepest emotions into the depths of my soul, leaving them there to be forever hidden from everyone around me, and even hidden from myself.
my impulse says: "if i keep my emotions to myself then i don't have to get anyone else involved. i don't have to bother anyone with my issues, i can just pretend like they aren't there and at least pretend like i am fine. i will just be quiet and mild-mannered and things will be good. after all, who likes someone who is always stepping on their toes? who likes someone who drops cynical remarks left and right, who has an attitude, is stubborn, and a bit defiant? maybe if i'm just agreeable and friendly, or docile and reserved then people will have nothing to hold against me and they will accept me and like me."
but what a load of crap. the only thing that is produced by thoughts like that is an angry and dissatisfied individual who is pretending to be someone they're not. and that is no life anyone should have to live. it can be scary to allow ourselves to feel something so deeply, and it often hurts, but it's a part of the human experience and without expressing our deepest emotions we are ignoring an important part who we are.
i have been learning to express my true feelings more regularly. and interestingly enough, during two fits of rage in the last week, God has powerfully moved on my heart and spoken incredible life and peace into my soul. driving home last week, i was literally screaming and sobbing as i drove down the freeway, crying out to be free of my anger and frustration and bitterness, and all of a sudden an overwhelming peace filled my soul and rendered me near speachless.
last night after my long rant on this blog, i went to bed, tossed and turned for another hour, and then God gave me a vision of me talking to people at a high school reunion and people were shocked at how much i had changed. and he clearly spoke to me: don't forget who you were and how far i have already brought you. it was a powerful reminder for me to not get so frustrated with myself and with my life which sometimes seems so chaotic. knowing that God doesn't see my life as such a mess is profoundly comforting to me.
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the peace, the quiet, the stillness, the calm during the storm of my life.
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A Search for What?
A search for repose is a search for God. My repose comes from being with Him, communing with Him, being still and listening to His quiet voice. I long to know the peace of sitting in his presence continually. Best of all, I find that God works through me in my repose. This blog is a journey of sorts--a place to express my random thoughts, lingering questions, small revelations--in the never-ending process of becoming.
a life that thrives
"But blessed are those who have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like a tree planted along a riverbank that sends its roots out into the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; it has no worries in a year of drought. Its leaves stay green and it goes on producing delicious fruit." - Jeremiah 17:7-8
1 comment:
Isn't it crazy when it's revealed to you why the way you are by the promises you made to yourself throughout your life? I can't imagine you being an angry person but I see why now. I think it's so important to be real with your feelings.. and sometimes they're not going to be the "holiest" of reactions but when you're real with yourself and God, that's when freedom and healing begins.
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