There are too many things I could write about, but for some reason nothing that I really want to. Interesting, because there were times when I was far busier than I am now and all I wanted to do was spill my soul to my friends, in my journal, in the blog... I have had a lot on my mind recently, but haven't wanted to give myself time to think about any of it.
It's exhausting to turn my mind over and over so many times in attempts to reach some sort of life-giving answer. I don't feel like I have the emotional energy to take on such a task right now. Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it. Either that, or I'm just avoiding it. I fear it might be the latter.
What I really want is to skip ahead three weeks to the day I leave for Alaska. Honestly, I want to get the heck out of here. I don't know why. My patience is gone and my attitude is a real bitch. I've tried so hard to "enjoy life" these last few months but somehow I have ended up just pissing myself off and being pissed off by all those around me.
Who am I trying to be anyway? I sometimes get so fed up with myself, with this life that I'm trying to live. I feel like I'm failing most of the time. I have accomplished more today than I have in a few weeks, but here at the end of the day I still feel like shit and I want to leave, and I hate that feeling.
I've had some profound experiences with God recently--letting go of more anger and rage that I have kept bottled up inside of me. But still, I just want a fresh start. Get me out in the wide open waters. I need some deep solitude in a place where all of this hectic noise will just go away.
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the peace, the quiet, the stillness, the calm during the storm of my life.
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A Search for What?
A search for repose is a search for God. My repose comes from being with Him, communing with Him, being still and listening to His quiet voice. I long to know the peace of sitting in his presence continually. Best of all, I find that God works through me in my repose. This blog is a journey of sorts--a place to express my random thoughts, lingering questions, small revelations--in the never-ending process of becoming.
a life that thrives
"But blessed are those who have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like a tree planted along a riverbank that sends its roots out into the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; it has no worries in a year of drought. Its leaves stay green and it goes on producing delicious fruit." - Jeremiah 17:7-8
2 comments:
I love you.
I understand.
thanks nic :)
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