beginning to understand.

my heart is in such a state of confusion over what i desire and what i need [and how the two fit together] that i am left with no other option but to pray for god's will over my life and pray for his direction of my every step.

i don't even really know what i'm hoping for anymore except for god's will to be done, and only he knows what that is.

for me, it means constant prayer and sacrifice of my own will and desires, trusting in what i cannot yet see and the power of the spirit to get me there.

i don't know what else to do.

happiness is only real when it is shared.

when i first saw the movie 'into the wild,' i experienced the craziest reaction i've ever had to a film. i briefly went through all the stages of the grieving process, passing through stages of numb emptiness, anger and deep sadness, and for the longest time i wasn't exactly sure why.

the story felt so real to me, as though it was speaking out of my own heart, my desires to experience true freedom and happiness, to be independent and self-sufficient, answering only to myself, not needing to rely on anyone, to be out living an adventure, uninterrupted by anyone or anything.

i know it doesn't work this way, but i can't seem to help but live in this pattern.

god forgive me for ignoring you, for trying to self-suffice. break that habit in me that compulsively tries to take care of myself and shuts out help from other people. your love is meant to be shared in with others. help me to allow myself to be a part of it.

the juxtaposition of my mind.

i must have checked my email fifty times today. i don't know what i'm expecting to find. maybe affirmation that there are people out there who want to be my friend, people who are thinking of me, people who can satisfy my intense thirst for security and love.

but now at the end of the day, after thirty exchanged emails with various friends, i still feel empty and alone.

only you, god, can satisfy. only you can redeem. lord, redeem this broken heart of mine and fill me anew with your love and grace. and allow me to love like you love me.

hello again.

i quit the blog for a while. not intentionally, i suppose. i just never felt the need or the urge to say anything worth reading. maybe it's that i fear getting all preachy and thinking that i actually have something worth saying. i don't know. here i am.

life right now is good. i am learning a lot.

it's funny how god answers prayer. for a long time i have prayed that i would be able to trust god, that he would be my hope and my confidence, and that i would be free from worry regarding my future (see jeremiah 17:7-8). i guess i didn't realize that god wouldn't just drop those things in my lap, but that he would put me in situations that would allow me to choose him and put my trust in him, thereby allowing him to become my hope and confidence and set me free.

it's been a lot more difficult and rewarding than i expected. it is incredibly painful to be broken down but at the same time it's so freeing to know that i don't carry the burden of trying to prove myself through my actions or of trying to change myself.

i am beginning to understand that when god points out an issue in our lives it's not because he wants us to change it, but rather he wants us to submit our control of our own lives (our hearts, our own wills) to his authority, and in doing so we position ourselves to receive god's love and healing.

the blessings are too numerous to count.

someday.

someday i will actually update this thing.

ps. i'm sorta planning a little stint in costa rica either before or after alaska this summer. more info to follow.

mediterranean holiday.

i'm off to europe for six weeks!

first stop: athens and the greek isles.

keep up with me here: http://www.mediterraneanholiday.blogspot.com

αντίο/ciao/au revoir/adios/adeus!

a fighting spirit.

true to my artist's soul, i experience the world through honest, raw emotion. but for most of my life i haven't known what to do with it. i used to see my consistently intense emotional state as an unpreventable downfall in my pursuit of a happy and balanced life.

i never understood how to accept my emotions. i interpreted my own sensitivity as an obvious weakness. the downward spiral of anger and frustration were daily realities. fear and misunderstanding of who i am bound me up in suffocating self-imprisonment.

i knew that this was not who i was made to be. i caught glimpses of an inner light, an inner strength, a beautiful life that seemed so impossibly distant. for some reason i had been locked out of this mysterious world and trapped in my own inner turmoil with little hope for true freedom and nothing to look forward to.

it was then, over two years ago now, that i realized my need for a higher being to take control of my world and pick up the shattered pieces of my life that felt so illegitimate and deficient. it was then that God rescued me from my own personal hell and allowed me to experience his grace and grow in love.

but even then, my emotions continued to get the best of me. i didn't understand why i struggled like i did. that mysterious and beautiful life was now right in front of me, but try as i might i couldn't grab hold of it. i felt separated from it by an infinite brick wall and i lacked the necessary equipment to break through it. but God was slowly working on me.

after two full years of being absolutely broken and laying at God's feet, i finally feel free to run the race. walls are crumbling one after another. the anger i once fled has been turned around to be a catalyst of action and change in my life, just an example of God taking what was once a weakness and turning it around to be used as a strength, and all for his glory.

i am finding myself in a new season of strength and confidence in the Lord. i feel as though i have been given a fighting spirit--a spirit that fights for God and for who He has created me to be, and a spirit that fights for others to realize their own purpose in Him. this spirit is not one of timidity or passivity, but one of boldness and action. it is a passionate spirit that doesn't settle for anything less than God's best.

i am beginning to understand that the purpose in my emotionally-charged perspective comes in the deep care that God has put in my heart for people as well as the ability He has given me to feel for them and walk along side of them in their pain and fear. in learning to embrace those penetrating emotions and allowing myself to feel their weight, i find that i grow in reliance on God as he grants me stability and grace, and finally i see how the balance is possible.

a glimpse.

There are some things that will never leave me. The sound of pouring rain as it splashes onto the deck. The red and purple stained clouds as the sun slowly slips below the horizon. The salty taste of the ocean air. The look of billions of stars swirling around like painted galaxies in the night sky. Nothing short of a glimpse of heaven.


Among the dingy city skyline and cement-covered earth, I sometimes forget how intricate and beautiful creation itself really is, feeling lost in the chaos of modern civilization. But when I'm standing at the edge of the open ocean in the early hours of the morning, watching the sun creep up above lush green islands to light the quiet sky, a deep solitude consumes me and I feel at peace with my life.


I understand something in those moments that I don't understand anywhere else. Worry and stress fall away and life finally makes sense. The peaceful sensation I experience feels so far beyond my own self that I am certain it comes from the spirit inside of me. And for once I understand that my life is truly not my own.


Those incredible moments will always stay with me. A world of chaos may surround me, but understanding that my life is not my own keeps me focused on He to whom my life is given, forever praising Him for his glorious creation, and never ceasing to plead for those who have yet to experience this glimpse of heaven.

a summer of [change/freedom/breakthrough].

the past ten weeks in alaska were absolutely incredible.








i think i am finally learning what it means to be "me."

gone for a while.

I am going fishing in Alaska until around the first of September. I may update my blog once or twice, if I feel so inclined (and find free wi-fi). Until then...


ps. God is SO faithful. I know, I know. Of course God is faithful (the bible may say something about it...), but He really, really is. It's so good to realize it again. He gives me everything I need to spur me onward.