sooo this past quarter was intense. if you've had to interact with me at all this quarter, you would know. sorry if i seemed a little aloof. by the end of the quarter, it had become obvious that the Lord was completely stipping me some serious things that have been holding me back from running after Him.
i have been praying that God would take control of my life and my future. for the longest time, my heart didn't realize that i must give up my own self-reliance first. hm. for God to be in control of my life, i had to give up self-control almost completely. it was a little rocky for a while, but it's only getting better and better.
all quarter, i felt like i was dropping off the deep end. i felt out of control and stressed out and i felt more stagnant than ever. but then God spoke directly to my heart a few weeks ago. i felt him saying i was enough for him, that i didn't need to be more than i am to be accepted by him and to thrive in him. i felt him saying that he had allowed me to go through this difficult and nearly unbearable quarter in order to teach me something great. and the past few weeks i have felt a greater peace and understanding.
i am learning to enjoy the process of life. sometimes it sucks, but that means that i am growing and learning and i can still find joy in those times. i am finally starting to understand what that means.
on a side-note, i went SKIING yesterday!! there was fresh powder everywhere. it was SO fun. i forgot how much i love to ski. i am going to go again SOON. i love skiing. but man, i was SORE afterwards. it's the kind of sore, though, that hurts so good. =)
12.27.2006
12.17.2006
i am covered.
this weekend was the goodfoot retreat at mt. rainier. it was awesome. so many rad and passionate people. i love it.
during worship saturday night, louie had us write down some of our struggles on a quarter-sheet of paper--things that hold us back from God moving more in our lives. i knew right away what to write down, since all quarter i have been looking these things square in the face. my own self reliance and my performace mentality are huge things that are holding me back right now. i wrote these down, among other things.
looking at the paper, i was thinking to myself, "man, i hate that i struggle with these things," and i started to get all bummed out. but then God convicted me and i felt Him telling me to write something else my paper: "all are covered by my blood." i wrote it in big letters over the whole piece of paper and copied over it again and again. before long, i couldn't see my weaknesses anymore, because all i could see was that my weaknesses are covered by the blood of Christ. it was a powerful reminder.
i tend to forget that i am always justified. on my best day and on my worst day, i am justified; i am covered. i find it easy to get down on myself and focus too much on my weaknesses, missing the good that God has in me and for me. what i am coming to realize is that i cannot change myself the way God can. i can try really hard and act differently, but in my heart i am unchanged. that is, until i give up control and allow God to change me.
i have known this in my head for a long time, but it is something my heart is still learning. it is only by God's incredible grace that i am changed a little everyday.
during worship saturday night, louie had us write down some of our struggles on a quarter-sheet of paper--things that hold us back from God moving more in our lives. i knew right away what to write down, since all quarter i have been looking these things square in the face. my own self reliance and my performace mentality are huge things that are holding me back right now. i wrote these down, among other things.
looking at the paper, i was thinking to myself, "man, i hate that i struggle with these things," and i started to get all bummed out. but then God convicted me and i felt Him telling me to write something else my paper: "all are covered by my blood." i wrote it in big letters over the whole piece of paper and copied over it again and again. before long, i couldn't see my weaknesses anymore, because all i could see was that my weaknesses are covered by the blood of Christ. it was a powerful reminder.
i tend to forget that i am always justified. on my best day and on my worst day, i am justified; i am covered. i find it easy to get down on myself and focus too much on my weaknesses, missing the good that God has in me and for me. what i am coming to realize is that i cannot change myself the way God can. i can try really hard and act differently, but in my heart i am unchanged. that is, until i give up control and allow God to change me.
i have known this in my head for a long time, but it is something my heart is still learning. it is only by God's incredible grace that i am changed a little everyday.
12.11.2006
fall quarter, in retrospect.
in the style of beeky, i am compiling a list of what i have learned this quarter. don't feel like you need to read all of this--it's more for my own thinking--but feel free if you're interested to know!
some things about me....
i learned that i need balance and consistency in my life, which only God can provide.
i learned that joy and peace are essential to my well-being.
i learned that i don't have to get upset a little dysfunction, but can embrace it and find the humor in it.
i learned that when i'm too introspective, my thoughts can sometimes get the best of me.
i learned that i am really, really stubborn.
i learned that the people i love the most care about me as a person more than what i do.
i learned that i need eight hours of sleep per night to be fully alert in the morning without the help of some serious caffeine.
i learned that vulnerability is the only way to have meaningful relationships.
i learned that i really do love to read, but only when the reading is not required.
i learned that this whole traditional college structure just is not my style of learning.
i learned that i cannot pull self-discipline out of my ass (true story).
i learned that my unhealthy level of stress makes me physically ill (not good).
i learned that it is ok, if not good, to be uncomfortable.
i learned that playing the piano is good for my soul.
i learned that i am a "peaceful phlegmatic"--one who requires peace, respect and self worth :)
i learned that i am an ENFP (with a strong emphasis on the FP).
i learned that i am a dreamer, and that i need to dream big.
i learned that time and distance cannot keep true friends apart.
i learned that writing (journaling and blogging) clears my head.
i learned that i can have grace with people all the time, but not with myself (God is working on it).
i learned that even 12 credits is more than i would prefer to take in a quarter.
i learned that my feelings too often determine my actions.
i learned that it is ok to be distracted sometimes.
i learned to embrace my artist's soul and have found it to be a huge part of who i am and how i see the world.
i learned that i like being goofy more than i like being serious.
generally light-hearted tid-bits...
i learned that church functions involving dancing bring out my "sassy" side.
i learned that short hair (on me) is decent.
i learned that talking on my cell phone while i'm driving impairs my sensibility enough to impulsively honk at people and flip them off.
i learned that, if thrown at a high enough velocity, a cell phone will shatter when it hits the wall.
i learned that "house meeting" really means "comedy hour" in the queen anne palace.
i learned that i am (at least slightly) lactose intolerant.
i learned that kerry park is the best place to walk to, sit, think, listen to my ipod, watch sunsets, drink coffee and contemplate life.
i learned that if you microwave popcorn for long enough, it will melt into a solid and unidentifiable glob.
i learned that my mom is a wild and crazy concert-goer.
i learned that i still do not like country music.
i learned that old and small toyotas cannot make it up snow-covered hills.
i learned that our neighbors do not appreciate late-night music, screaming or laughter.
i learned that the greatest revelations come to me in the shower.
i learned that event planning is NOT an interest of mine.
i learned that some people cut off and throw away the brownie crust, a fact that i still cannot comprehend.
i learned that disappearing silverware causes confusion.
i learned that it's possible to buy nine CDs in seven days.
i learned that pancakes really do make you sick by then end of them.
i learned that aparthy towards my college classes is not conducive to passing them.
i learned that it is difficult to be in shape and live in a house of eight girls who bake desserts everyday.
my housemates...
i learned that if kelly stands at the front door to hug you goodbye, she is secretly plotting to pin you down and tickle you.
i learned that christina is not a good person to surprise when it is late at night and people are sleeping.
i learned that bethany is a stereotypical mexican woman at heart.
i learned that if you appear to be having a crisis, you can distract kelly away from anything.
and most importantly...
i learned that it's ok to be myself and not worry what people will think of me.
i learned that life without passion, purpose and the enjoyment of God is just not worth it.
i learned that i need to live life, rather than just prepare for it.
i learned that i need to be confident of my identity in Christ.
i learned that the way i look is not as important as who i present myself to be.
i learned that my worth does not come from what i do or accomplish, but by simply being a child of God.
i learned that i love life most when i do my best to experience the fullness of the here and now.
i learned that life is a process and a journey; one for which i will never figure out or be perfect at, but one i can find joy in everyday.
some things about me....
i learned that i need balance and consistency in my life, which only God can provide.
i learned that joy and peace are essential to my well-being.
i learned that i don't have to get upset a little dysfunction, but can embrace it and find the humor in it.
i learned that when i'm too introspective, my thoughts can sometimes get the best of me.
i learned that i am really, really stubborn.
i learned that the people i love the most care about me as a person more than what i do.
i learned that i need eight hours of sleep per night to be fully alert in the morning without the help of some serious caffeine.
i learned that vulnerability is the only way to have meaningful relationships.
i learned that i really do love to read, but only when the reading is not required.
i learned that this whole traditional college structure just is not my style of learning.
i learned that i cannot pull self-discipline out of my ass (true story).
i learned that my unhealthy level of stress makes me physically ill (not good).
i learned that it is ok, if not good, to be uncomfortable.
i learned that playing the piano is good for my soul.
i learned that i am a "peaceful phlegmatic"--one who requires peace, respect and self worth :)
i learned that i am an ENFP (with a strong emphasis on the FP).
i learned that i am a dreamer, and that i need to dream big.
i learned that time and distance cannot keep true friends apart.
i learned that writing (journaling and blogging) clears my head.
i learned that i can have grace with people all the time, but not with myself (God is working on it).
i learned that even 12 credits is more than i would prefer to take in a quarter.
i learned that my feelings too often determine my actions.
i learned that it is ok to be distracted sometimes.
i learned to embrace my artist's soul and have found it to be a huge part of who i am and how i see the world.
i learned that i like being goofy more than i like being serious.
generally light-hearted tid-bits...
i learned that church functions involving dancing bring out my "sassy" side.
i learned that short hair (on me) is decent.
i learned that talking on my cell phone while i'm driving impairs my sensibility enough to impulsively honk at people and flip them off.
i learned that, if thrown at a high enough velocity, a cell phone will shatter when it hits the wall.
i learned that "house meeting" really means "comedy hour" in the queen anne palace.
i learned that i am (at least slightly) lactose intolerant.
i learned that kerry park is the best place to walk to, sit, think, listen to my ipod, watch sunsets, drink coffee and contemplate life.
i learned that if you microwave popcorn for long enough, it will melt into a solid and unidentifiable glob.
i learned that my mom is a wild and crazy concert-goer.
i learned that i still do not like country music.
i learned that old and small toyotas cannot make it up snow-covered hills.
i learned that our neighbors do not appreciate late-night music, screaming or laughter.
i learned that the greatest revelations come to me in the shower.
i learned that event planning is NOT an interest of mine.
i learned that some people cut off and throw away the brownie crust, a fact that i still cannot comprehend.
i learned that disappearing silverware causes confusion.
i learned that it's possible to buy nine CDs in seven days.
i learned that pancakes really do make you sick by then end of them.
i learned that aparthy towards my college classes is not conducive to passing them.
i learned that it is difficult to be in shape and live in a house of eight girls who bake desserts everyday.
my housemates...
i learned that if kelly stands at the front door to hug you goodbye, she is secretly plotting to pin you down and tickle you.
i learned that christina is not a good person to surprise when it is late at night and people are sleeping.
i learned that bethany is a stereotypical mexican woman at heart.
i learned that if you appear to be having a crisis, you can distract kelly away from anything.
and most importantly...
i learned that it's ok to be myself and not worry what people will think of me.
i learned that life without passion, purpose and the enjoyment of God is just not worth it.
i learned that i need to live life, rather than just prepare for it.
i learned that i need to be confident of my identity in Christ.
i learned that the way i look is not as important as who i present myself to be.
i learned that my worth does not come from what i do or accomplish, but by simply being a child of God.
i learned that i love life most when i do my best to experience the fullness of the here and now.
i learned that life is a process and a journey; one for which i will never figure out or be perfect at, but one i can find joy in everyday.
12.08.2006
saved everyday.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has give us *new birth* into a *living hope* through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that that is ready to be revealed in the last time.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that you faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined fire--may be proved *genuine* and may result in "praise, glory and honor* when Jesus Christ is revealed.
"Though you have not see Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an INEXPRESSIBLE AND GLORIOUS JOY, for you are *RECEIVING* the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
-:- 1 Peter 1:3-9 -:-
I am so thankful for these incredible women of God for all of the amazing love and encouragement they show me everyday. Thanks :)
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that you faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined fire--may be proved *genuine* and may result in "praise, glory and honor* when Jesus Christ is revealed.
"Though you have not see Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an INEXPRESSIBLE AND GLORIOUS JOY, for you are *RECEIVING* the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
-:- 1 Peter 1:3-9 -:-
I am so thankful for these incredible women of God for all of the amazing love and encouragement they show me everyday. Thanks :)
12.04.2006
at the end of MY rope.
yesterday was an "aha!" kind of day. praise the LORD. today i have felt a great joy and peace that has been missing from my life.
and today has been the best day of the quarter, for sure. crazy how quickly circumstances can change. i will write about it soon.
and today has been the best day of the quarter, for sure. crazy how quickly circumstances can change. i will write about it soon.
12.03.2006
three more dayssss.
two huge papers and a final exam and i'm DONE with fall quarter. and then sweet, sweet rest and relaxation.
this is the best time of year. post-finals, obviously. all the parties and festivities...christmas, new year's and my birthday!! [21, baby!] seeing old friends, spending time with family, twinkly lights, being jolly, christmas music, hot spiced cider [yum!], the smell of pine from the christmas tree, snow [maybe? please?]...chestnuts roasting on an open fire...making shortbread cookies, watching national lampoon's christmas vacation (my family just doesn't find 'it's a wonderful life' to be all that wonderful), and karaoke with my lounge-singing grandpa.
bring it on.
this is the best time of year. post-finals, obviously. all the parties and festivities...christmas, new year's and my birthday!! [21, baby!] seeing old friends, spending time with family, twinkly lights, being jolly, christmas music, hot spiced cider [yum!], the smell of pine from the christmas tree, snow [maybe? please?]...chestnuts roasting on an open fire...making shortbread cookies, watching national lampoon's christmas vacation (my family just doesn't find 'it's a wonderful life' to be all that wonderful), and karaoke with my lounge-singing grandpa.
bring it on.
12.02.2006
inspiration!
i love being around artistic and creative people. i feel alive around these people. they inspire me.
i went to the GoodFoot meeting last night. SO AMAZING! the more i explore my artistic and creative side [especially through music and writing], the more i feel my spirit come alive! i love it!
i have always felt like i am an artist. but because i have never spent a lot of time pursuing art [for various reason which i will not go into now], i am not really proficient at any one thing. but i LOVE singing, playing the piano, writing, drawing, taking pictures, and many other artistic and creative things and all i want to do right now is invest, invest, invest in this artistic side of my personality that is so a part of me that i can't seem to contain it anymore.
you know when you feel like something is such a huge part of who you are that you just know it's going to be a huge of your future?
mmm...i'm excited.
i went to the GoodFoot meeting last night. SO AMAZING! the more i explore my artistic and creative side [especially through music and writing], the more i feel my spirit come alive! i love it!
i have always felt like i am an artist. but because i have never spent a lot of time pursuing art [for various reason which i will not go into now], i am not really proficient at any one thing. but i LOVE singing, playing the piano, writing, drawing, taking pictures, and many other artistic and creative things and all i want to do right now is invest, invest, invest in this artistic side of my personality that is so a part of me that i can't seem to contain it anymore.
you know when you feel like something is such a huge part of who you are that you just know it's going to be a huge of your future?
mmm...i'm excited.
12.01.2006
apologies to those who read my ramblings.
consider today's earlier post as a window into the inner-workings of my mind. it's a dense, messed up and crazy place--sorry. it overwhelms me just looking at it. if you prefer, here is a pictoral representation of said post with beautiful images from alaska. you should be able to see the point.
some seasons are just a little rougher than others:
something is missing from my life:
[photo credit: mike demmert/erik beitzel--thanks!]
some seasons are just a little rougher than others:
something is missing from my life:
[photo credit: mike demmert/erik beitzel--thanks!]
a [crazy, interesting, difficult] fork in the road.
in the past few days i have focused all of my thousands of little thoughts into a few overwhelmingly important and all-inclusive issues/questions that need to be addressed. my future is ahead of me and i find myself at a fork in the road between two different and possibly good directions. i have yet to discover which direction i am heading, but i am starting to lean [maybe somewhat heavily] in one direction. it may require a little back-tracking, but i'm not even sure. at this moment in time, these questions relate most to the internship i am in with my church, which ends in june, but these questions also more broadly reflect the slightly more distant upcoming years of my life as i graduate in march and enter the "real world."
allow me to break it down...
option 1: i could stay where i'm at. i am facing all of my weaknesses square in the face. i am being stretched. my strengths are not being used to full potential. i don't find joy it in anymore. i am near miserable everyday. stress inhibits me from doing anything else. i am frustrated. my passions and desires leave me looking for more. but i am learning and growing a lot. i don't feel near as effective as i have been in the past and i don't feel as effective as i think i could be now. i will most likely continue to learn some things on this road, but at [un]necessary costs?
option 2: change directions. go to where my strengths and desires are. simplify my life. get back to the basics. focus my ministry to the individuals God has put on my heart. take the time to invest in my God-given strengths, passions and desires. reduce stress and worry to a balance that is manageable for my naturally spastic mind. address my weakness on the side, rather than putting them at the forefront of my life. choose to run after the passions and desires that i have near ignored for my entire life.
the question now is whether or not God would prefer me to stick it out, hating my situation, struggling everyday by the overwhelming stress of my weaknesses, to hopefully come out later a little bit better than i am now, or would God prefer that i look to my strengths and use the wisdom, passions and desires He has given me to make the choice that i see as the most appropriate in order for me to be most effective as a minister, daughter, friend, and so on.
seasons. there are seasons for everything. for instance, this has been a season of figuring out who i am. it's brilliant and exhausting. is this season supposed to continue in this manner? or has it gone on long enough? have i already understood the point, or is there something more for this particular time that i have yet to discover? am i coming into a new and completely different season? should i stick it out or move on?
God gave me a head. i want to use it. He gives me insight, inspiration, imagination, passion, desire. i want to be true to seeking those things with my whole heart. am i making a wrong decision if i don't continue with this internship? is it wrong to work at starbucks if it reduces my stress enough to allow me to be more effective in my personal ministry? i feel constricted to the point that my head is going crazy.
i LOVE ministry. i love sharing my heart [or God's heart, rather] with the people in my life. But i hate the structure of ministry. i want to do it on my own terms, out of the natural overflow of God in me, wherever and whenever than may be. i hate programs. i see the good in them. i admire the good they do. but i am finding more and more that those things are not my style. is that me being stubborn? or is that God's way of wanting to make use of me in other areas?
what is the *balance*? God gives me gifts to use them. i want to be working in my strengths. i want address my weaknesses. i want to become more like Christ. i don't want to wake up every morning and think "oh [cussword] it's morning again." i want to pursue my passions. i connect with God in my passions. i minister most effectively within my passions. what is the cut-off point of doing something i really don't enjoy or want to do? yeah it's not all about me and my happiness, but how long should i be miserable? i want to grow in my strengths and through my weaknesses. i want to embrace the difficulty of life with joy and passion.
i want to do what is right. but i don't know that there is a definite right. "where is God calling me?" well, until God speaks audible words into my ear at night [or maybe in the shower], which to be honest i'm not really expecting, i need to pray for peace. i think that by now i know--with my head that God has given me--what i want to do and where i want to go. but i need peace before i can move on.
i am a dreamer. i love to dream big. but what's the use of having big dreams if i never pursue them?
allow me to break it down...
option 1: i could stay where i'm at. i am facing all of my weaknesses square in the face. i am being stretched. my strengths are not being used to full potential. i don't find joy it in anymore. i am near miserable everyday. stress inhibits me from doing anything else. i am frustrated. my passions and desires leave me looking for more. but i am learning and growing a lot. i don't feel near as effective as i have been in the past and i don't feel as effective as i think i could be now. i will most likely continue to learn some things on this road, but at [un]necessary costs?
option 2: change directions. go to where my strengths and desires are. simplify my life. get back to the basics. focus my ministry to the individuals God has put on my heart. take the time to invest in my God-given strengths, passions and desires. reduce stress and worry to a balance that is manageable for my naturally spastic mind. address my weakness on the side, rather than putting them at the forefront of my life. choose to run after the passions and desires that i have near ignored for my entire life.
the question now is whether or not God would prefer me to stick it out, hating my situation, struggling everyday by the overwhelming stress of my weaknesses, to hopefully come out later a little bit better than i am now, or would God prefer that i look to my strengths and use the wisdom, passions and desires He has given me to make the choice that i see as the most appropriate in order for me to be most effective as a minister, daughter, friend, and so on.
seasons. there are seasons for everything. for instance, this has been a season of figuring out who i am. it's brilliant and exhausting. is this season supposed to continue in this manner? or has it gone on long enough? have i already understood the point, or is there something more for this particular time that i have yet to discover? am i coming into a new and completely different season? should i stick it out or move on?
God gave me a head. i want to use it. He gives me insight, inspiration, imagination, passion, desire. i want to be true to seeking those things with my whole heart. am i making a wrong decision if i don't continue with this internship? is it wrong to work at starbucks if it reduces my stress enough to allow me to be more effective in my personal ministry? i feel constricted to the point that my head is going crazy.
i LOVE ministry. i love sharing my heart [or God's heart, rather] with the people in my life. But i hate the structure of ministry. i want to do it on my own terms, out of the natural overflow of God in me, wherever and whenever than may be. i hate programs. i see the good in them. i admire the good they do. but i am finding more and more that those things are not my style. is that me being stubborn? or is that God's way of wanting to make use of me in other areas?
what is the *balance*? God gives me gifts to use them. i want to be working in my strengths. i want address my weaknesses. i want to become more like Christ. i don't want to wake up every morning and think "oh [cussword] it's morning again." i want to pursue my passions. i connect with God in my passions. i minister most effectively within my passions. what is the cut-off point of doing something i really don't enjoy or want to do? yeah it's not all about me and my happiness, but how long should i be miserable? i want to grow in my strengths and through my weaknesses. i want to embrace the difficulty of life with joy and passion.
i want to do what is right. but i don't know that there is a definite right. "where is God calling me?" well, until God speaks audible words into my ear at night [or maybe in the shower], which to be honest i'm not really expecting, i need to pray for peace. i think that by now i know--with my head that God has given me--what i want to do and where i want to go. but i need peace before i can move on.
i am a dreamer. i love to dream big. but what's the use of having big dreams if i never pursue them?
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