in the past few days i have focused all of my thousands of little thoughts into a few overwhelmingly important and all-inclusive issues/questions that need to be addressed. my future is ahead of me and i find myself at a fork in the road between two different and possibly good directions. i have yet to discover which direction i am heading, but i am starting to lean [maybe somewhat heavily] in one direction. it may require a little back-tracking, but i'm not even sure. at this moment in time, these questions relate most to the internship i am in with my church, which ends in june, but these questions also more broadly reflect the slightly more distant upcoming years of my life as i graduate in march and enter the "real world."
allow me to break it down...
option 1: i could stay where i'm at. i am facing all of my weaknesses square in the face. i am being stretched. my strengths are not being used to full potential. i don't find joy it in anymore. i am near miserable everyday. stress inhibits me from doing anything else. i am frustrated. my passions and desires leave me looking for more. but i am learning and growing a lot. i don't feel near as effective as i have been in the past and i don't feel as effective as i think i could be now. i will most likely continue to learn some things on this road, but at [un]necessary costs?
option 2: change directions. go to where my strengths and desires are. simplify my life. get back to the basics. focus my ministry to the individuals God has put on my heart. take the time to invest in my God-given strengths, passions and desires. reduce stress and worry to a balance that is manageable for my naturally spastic mind. address my weakness on the side, rather than putting them at the forefront of my life. choose to run after the passions and desires that i have near ignored for my entire life.
the question now is whether or not God would prefer me to stick it out, hating my situation, struggling everyday by the overwhelming stress of my weaknesses, to hopefully come out later a little bit better than i am now, or would God prefer that i look to my strengths and use the wisdom, passions and desires He has given me to make the choice that i see as the most appropriate in order for me to be most effective as a minister, daughter, friend, and so on.
seasons. there are seasons for everything. for instance, this has been a season of figuring out who i am. it's brilliant and exhausting. is this season supposed to continue in this manner? or has it gone on long enough? have i already understood the point, or is there something more for this particular time that i have yet to discover? am i coming into a new and completely different season? should i stick it out or move on?
God gave me a head. i want to use it. He gives me insight, inspiration, imagination, passion, desire. i want to be true to seeking those things with my whole heart. am i making a wrong decision if i don't continue with this internship? is it wrong to work at starbucks if it reduces my stress enough to allow me to be more effective in my personal ministry? i feel constricted to the point that my head is going crazy.
i LOVE ministry. i love sharing my heart [or God's heart, rather] with the people in my life. But i hate the structure of ministry. i want to do it on my own terms, out of the natural overflow of God in me, wherever and whenever than may be. i hate programs. i see the good in them. i admire the good they do. but i am finding more and more that those things are not my style. is that me being stubborn? or is that God's way of wanting to make use of me in other areas?
what is the *balance*? God gives me gifts to use them. i want to be working in my strengths. i want address my weaknesses. i want to become more like Christ. i don't want to wake up every morning and think "oh [cussword] it's morning again." i want to pursue my passions. i connect with God in my passions. i minister most effectively within my passions. what is the cut-off point of doing something i really don't enjoy or want to do? yeah it's not all about me and my happiness, but how long should i be miserable? i want to grow in my strengths and through my weaknesses. i want to embrace the difficulty of life with joy and passion.
i want to do what is right. but i don't know that there is a definite right. "where is God calling me?" well, until God speaks audible words into my ear at night [or maybe in the shower], which to be honest i'm not really expecting, i need to pray for peace. i think that by now i know--with my head that God has given me--what i want to do and where i want to go. but i need peace before i can move on.
i am a dreamer. i love to dream big. but what's the use of having big dreams if i never pursue them?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment