beginning to understand.

my heart is in such a state of confusion over what i desire and what i need [and how the two fit together] that i am left with no other option but to pray for god's will over my life and pray for his direction of my every step.

i don't even really know what i'm hoping for anymore except for god's will to be done, and only he knows what that is.

for me, it means constant prayer and sacrifice of my own will and desires, trusting in what i cannot yet see and the power of the spirit to get me there.

i don't know what else to do.

happiness is only real when it is shared.

when i first saw the movie 'into the wild,' i experienced the craziest reaction i've ever had to a film. i briefly went through all the stages of the grieving process, passing through stages of numb emptiness, anger and deep sadness, and for the longest time i wasn't exactly sure why.

the story felt so real to me, as though it was speaking out of my own heart, my desires to experience true freedom and happiness, to be independent and self-sufficient, answering only to myself, not needing to rely on anyone, to be out living an adventure, uninterrupted by anyone or anything.

i know it doesn't work this way, but i can't seem to help but live in this pattern.

god forgive me for ignoring you, for trying to self-suffice. break that habit in me that compulsively tries to take care of myself and shuts out help from other people. your love is meant to be shared in with others. help me to allow myself to be a part of it.

the juxtaposition of my mind.

i must have checked my email fifty times today. i don't know what i'm expecting to find. maybe affirmation that there are people out there who want to be my friend, people who are thinking of me, people who can satisfy my intense thirst for security and love.

but now at the end of the day, after thirty exchanged emails with various friends, i still feel empty and alone.

only you, god, can satisfy. only you can redeem. lord, redeem this broken heart of mine and fill me anew with your love and grace. and allow me to love like you love me.

hello again.

i quit the blog for a while. not intentionally, i suppose. i just never felt the need or the urge to say anything worth reading. maybe it's that i fear getting all preachy and thinking that i actually have something worth saying. i don't know. here i am.

life right now is good. i am learning a lot.

it's funny how god answers prayer. for a long time i have prayed that i would be able to trust god, that he would be my hope and my confidence, and that i would be free from worry regarding my future (see jeremiah 17:7-8). i guess i didn't realize that god wouldn't just drop those things in my lap, but that he would put me in situations that would allow me to choose him and put my trust in him, thereby allowing him to become my hope and confidence and set me free.

it's been a lot more difficult and rewarding than i expected. it is incredibly painful to be broken down but at the same time it's so freeing to know that i don't carry the burden of trying to prove myself through my actions or of trying to change myself.

i am beginning to understand that when god points out an issue in our lives it's not because he wants us to change it, but rather he wants us to submit our control of our own lives (our hearts, our own wills) to his authority, and in doing so we position ourselves to receive god's love and healing.

the blessings are too numerous to count.

someday.

someday i will actually update this thing.

ps. i'm sorta planning a little stint in costa rica either before or after alaska this summer. more info to follow.