mediterranean holiday.

i'm off to europe for six weeks!

first stop: athens and the greek isles.

keep up with me here: http://www.mediterraneanholiday.blogspot.com

αντίο/ciao/au revoir/adios/adeus!

a fighting spirit.

true to my artist's soul, i experience the world through honest, raw emotion. but for most of my life i haven't known what to do with it. i used to see my consistently intense emotional state as an unpreventable downfall in my pursuit of a happy and balanced life.

i never understood how to accept my emotions. i interpreted my own sensitivity as an obvious weakness. the downward spiral of anger and frustration were daily realities. fear and misunderstanding of who i am bound me up in suffocating self-imprisonment.

i knew that this was not who i was made to be. i caught glimpses of an inner light, an inner strength, a beautiful life that seemed so impossibly distant. for some reason i had been locked out of this mysterious world and trapped in my own inner turmoil with little hope for true freedom and nothing to look forward to.

it was then, over two years ago now, that i realized my need for a higher being to take control of my world and pick up the shattered pieces of my life that felt so illegitimate and deficient. it was then that God rescued me from my own personal hell and allowed me to experience his grace and grow in love.

but even then, my emotions continued to get the best of me. i didn't understand why i struggled like i did. that mysterious and beautiful life was now right in front of me, but try as i might i couldn't grab hold of it. i felt separated from it by an infinite brick wall and i lacked the necessary equipment to break through it. but God was slowly working on me.

after two full years of being absolutely broken and laying at God's feet, i finally feel free to run the race. walls are crumbling one after another. the anger i once fled has been turned around to be a catalyst of action and change in my life, just an example of God taking what was once a weakness and turning it around to be used as a strength, and all for his glory.

i am finding myself in a new season of strength and confidence in the Lord. i feel as though i have been given a fighting spirit--a spirit that fights for God and for who He has created me to be, and a spirit that fights for others to realize their own purpose in Him. this spirit is not one of timidity or passivity, but one of boldness and action. it is a passionate spirit that doesn't settle for anything less than God's best.

i am beginning to understand that the purpose in my emotionally-charged perspective comes in the deep care that God has put in my heart for people as well as the ability He has given me to feel for them and walk along side of them in their pain and fear. in learning to embrace those penetrating emotions and allowing myself to feel their weight, i find that i grow in reliance on God as he grants me stability and grace, and finally i see how the balance is possible.

a glimpse.

There are some things that will never leave me. The sound of pouring rain as it splashes onto the deck. The red and purple stained clouds as the sun slowly slips below the horizon. The salty taste of the ocean air. The look of billions of stars swirling around like painted galaxies in the night sky. Nothing short of a glimpse of heaven.


Among the dingy city skyline and cement-covered earth, I sometimes forget how intricate and beautiful creation itself really is, feeling lost in the chaos of modern civilization. But when I'm standing at the edge of the open ocean in the early hours of the morning, watching the sun creep up above lush green islands to light the quiet sky, a deep solitude consumes me and I feel at peace with my life.


I understand something in those moments that I don't understand anywhere else. Worry and stress fall away and life finally makes sense. The peaceful sensation I experience feels so far beyond my own self that I am certain it comes from the spirit inside of me. And for once I understand that my life is truly not my own.


Those incredible moments will always stay with me. A world of chaos may surround me, but understanding that my life is not my own keeps me focused on He to whom my life is given, forever praising Him for his glorious creation, and never ceasing to plead for those who have yet to experience this glimpse of heaven.

a summer of [change/freedom/breakthrough].

the past ten weeks in alaska were absolutely incredible.








i think i am finally learning what it means to be "me."

gone for a while.

I am going fishing in Alaska until around the first of September. I may update my blog once or twice, if I feel so inclined (and find free wi-fi). Until then...


ps. God is SO faithful. I know, I know. Of course God is faithful (the bible may say something about it...), but He really, really is. It's so good to realize it again. He gives me everything I need to spur me onward.

in need of expression.

i supress my emotions. it may not seem like it, since if you've known me for even the shortest amount of time, you've probably seen me cry. but for some reason, a very long time ago, i decided that it would be a good idea to push back all of my deepest emotions into the depths of my soul, leaving them there to be forever hidden from everyone around me, and even hidden from myself.

my impulse says: "if i keep my emotions to myself then i don't have to get anyone else involved. i don't have to bother anyone with my issues, i can just pretend like they aren't there and at least pretend like i am fine. i will just be quiet and mild-mannered and things will be good. after all, who likes someone who is always stepping on their toes? who likes someone who drops cynical remarks left and right, who has an attitude, is stubborn, and a bit defiant? maybe if i'm just agreeable and friendly, or docile and reserved then people will have nothing to hold against me and they will accept me and like me."

but what a load of crap. the only thing that is produced by thoughts like that is an angry and dissatisfied individual who is pretending to be someone they're not. and that is no life anyone should have to live. it can be scary to allow ourselves to feel something so deeply, and it often hurts, but it's a part of the human experience and without expressing our deepest emotions we are ignoring an important part who we are.

i have been learning to express my true feelings more regularly. and interestingly enough, during two fits of rage in the last week, God has powerfully moved on my heart and spoken incredible life and peace into my soul. driving home last week, i was literally screaming and sobbing as i drove down the freeway, crying out to be free of my anger and frustration and bitterness, and all of a sudden an overwhelming peace filled my soul and rendered me near speachless.

last night after my long rant on this blog, i went to bed, tossed and turned for another hour, and then God gave me a vision of me talking to people at a high school reunion and people were shocked at how much i had changed. and he clearly spoke to me: don't forget who you were and how far i have already brought you. it was a powerful reminder for me to not get so frustrated with myself and with my life which sometimes seems so chaotic. knowing that God doesn't see my life as such a mess is profoundly comforting to me.

a rant.

There are too many things I could write about, but for some reason nothing that I really want to. Interesting, because there were times when I was far busier than I am now and all I wanted to do was spill my soul to my friends, in my journal, in the blog... I have had a lot on my mind recently, but haven't wanted to give myself time to think about any of it.

It's exhausting to turn my mind over and over so many times in attempts to reach some sort of life-giving answer. I don't feel like I have the emotional energy to take on such a task right now. Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it. Either that, or I'm just avoiding it. I fear it might be the latter.

What I really want is to skip ahead three weeks to the day I leave for Alaska. Honestly, I want to get the heck out of here. I don't know why. My patience is gone and my attitude is a real bitch. I've tried so hard to "enjoy life" these last few months but somehow I have ended up just pissing myself off and being pissed off by all those around me.

Who am I trying to be anyway? I sometimes get so fed up with myself, with this life that I'm trying to live. I feel like I'm failing most of the time. I have accomplished more today than I have in a few weeks, but here at the end of the day I still feel like shit and I want to leave, and I hate that feeling.

I've had some profound experiences with God recently--letting go of more anger and rage that I have kept bottled up inside of me. But still, I just want a fresh start. Get me out in the wide open waters. I need some deep solitude in a place where all of this hectic noise will just go away.

"aha!," or "duh"?

i have not been spending enough time with PEOPLE this year. tonight i had small group with meg and becka and it was seriously the highlight of the quarter thus far. i LOVE just sitting down with a cup of coffee and talking about life with people. i NEED this.

what the heck have i been doing all year? last year my sole objective was to spend as much quality time with people as possible. one-on-ones were my life. this year, that hasn't really been the case. there are a few reasons for that, but mostly i have withdrawn myself quite a bit, not wanting to put out that much energy to spend time with people. what was i thinking?

after having such awesome conversation with good friends, i am realizing that i am missing that deep, personal connection. it feels so great to have it again. i feel so encouraged and full of life.

waiting for inspiration.

it is easy for me to do something when i am inspired. but if my heart isn't completely in something, it usually doesn't happen. in the same way, i don't often write until i feel inspired to do so. i seem to go through seasons where i write more. sometimes i just don't need to write. sometimes i can't write. sometimes it's as if i have too much to say.


right now? i have been thinking about a lot. thoughts and dreams are brewing in a disorganized and scattered kind of way. this is how my mind works. there are some things that are coming together, and there are other things that still need time. i will have much more to say about this in the time to come.


i am in the midst of [tentatively] planning out the next 1-2 years of my life. [do i officially qualify as a "grown-up" now? i'm really not sure.] i am excited to think about what i can do with my extra year of freedom from school, having graduated 4 quarters early! traveling and adventures are definitely in the works, including a trip to the mediterranean this fall and a trip to south america this winter!


in the mean time, i am resting. i have about 6 weeks until i start working on the boat, so i am taking this time to seek God, recharge, spend time with my family and friends, and plan for life and such. so far, so good!


[pictures from my trip to st. croix in the u.s. virgin islands]

last day of classes.

Today, I officially ended my sociology career at SPU, and I'm actually really sad about it. I hate school, but I loooove sociology.

For those of you who are uninformed, sociology is the greatest subject that has ever been taught in college. In fact, it has been proven that sociologists are closer to God than most other people. Ok, so there also might be a tiny bit of pride within the SPU sociology department...but it's part of what makes the SOC crowd (students and profs) so humorous and some of the best people to be around.

Sociology kicks my butt nearly everyday, challenging me to look past myself to see the rest of the world. It is so contrary to our culture's carefully preserved way thinking. I love it.

If you are reading this and have never studied sociology, take a class! Or pick up a book and read it. It will change your life.

I don't have any more time to write about this right now. Four papers to finish, 2 exams and I'm DONE. Can't wait.

i swallowed my gum today.

I don't really know what happened. I was chewing, and then all of a sudden it was going down my throat. It was a complete accident. What a fool. Good thing the whole "seven year" thing is a myth.

summer in alaska.

I have decided to work full-time on my dad's boat this summer! That means that from late June until early September, I will be getting up at 4 a.m., working on deck, cooking meals, drinking delicious folgers coffee, watching sunsets, listening to music, not showering, enjoying some solitude, and other stuff like that.

I will be living on this boat:
Fishing like this:
In places like this:
Taking in sunsets like this:
In weather like this:
And sometimes like this:
I will see wildlife like this:
And maybe even like this:
And ride on float planes like this:

It's gonna be a good summer.

traveling, life directions and tattoos.

I need to get out of here. Not that where I'm at isn't completely awesome. In fact, I enjoy life here more than ever before. But I need to go see other places.

After fishing all summer, I will have a good deal of extra cash. Should I save it or spend it? Haha. Well, if I in fact end up going to Scotland, I could put it towards that...

Or, I could just backpack around Europe for two months instead! Greece, Italy, Spain, France, Switzerland, Austria...who knows? Those Eurail passes are wicked cheap.

I long to be back here:

I cannot stop thinking about why I should go to Scotland for YWAM. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't necessarily want to do a program, I really just want an adventure. But maybe a program would be good. But maybe a backpacking trip would be a better option. Of course, I will need someone to travel with... Clearly, I am not getting anywhere productive.

On another note, I think I am going to try to break into the music biz. Not yet sure what or how. Maybe try to start out in A&R or something. Journalism, photography, production, tour management...those all sound like fun. Of course, I have little experience and no connections. But you never know what could happen :]

Also, I think I might like to get a tattoo. I am trying to figure out why. I really don't want to be "trendy," but maybe I just am... Shoot.

victory + live music = great day

Yesterday was Victory Weekend at church. It was POWERFUL. Ask me about it sometime, because I don't think I could concisely articulate it here, at least not now. But I feel incredibly free and empowered. It's really great.

And then I took Beeky to see Alexi Murdoch at the Crocodile for her first 21 and over show! The show was really good and we were really close!

relationships.

Dr. Greg Mitchell from the Vancouver church gave the sermon this weekend. Talk about convicting! Here are some important points that especially hit home for me:

"Love has nothing to do with perfection." I forget this sometimes.

"It is a huge statement of love to do something imperfectly for someone else." This is SO hard!

"The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is selfishness." Eeek.

"Your greatest enemy is your own selfishness." Well, shoot.

"When things get complicated, it is because you are hiding your selfishness." Damn.

I have been thinking about these things all week, especially the perfection stuff. I am realizing that I have ridiculous standards, both for myself and for others, that no one can live up to. I think that this must greatly hinder me from loving people for who they really are.

I felt most convicted when Dr. Greg was describing how we look for a potential spouse. He described how most of us have our checklists of characteristics and personality traits that we look for, expecting to find the person who is most perfect, assuming that the closer to "perfection" they are, the better our relationship will be.

My heart sunk a little after hearing that. That describes ME. Although I haven't thought about it in this explicit way, I think that the basic ideas underly my thought process. My thinking has been selfish and wrong. And I haven't been giving people the love they deserve, because they don't live up to my standards. And for that, I am very sorry.

Dr. Greg said that it is the sharing of forgiveness and acceptance that makes love sweet. Well, I think that sounds pretty good.

favorite albums.

There are some albums that will never die. No matter how many times you listen to them, they remain alive. I am a fan of many artists and have a wide collection of CDs, but there are few albums that I can listen to over and over again, start to finish, and enjoy every second.

The melodies, the lyrics, the musicality... These albums contain musical genius. My appreciation of the artists and their work continues to grow the more I listen to them.

These albums will always be among my most favorite.










Ray LaMontagne, Trouble (2003)











Amos Lee, Amos Lee (2005)











Coldplay, Parachutes (2000)











Donavon Frankenreiter,
Move By Yourself (2006)










Death Cab for Cutie,
Transatlanticism (2003)










Jack Johnson,
Brushfire Fairytales (2000)










Iron & Wine, Our Endless
Numbered Days (2004)











Norah Jones,
Come Away With Me (2002)











Garden State Soundtrack (2004)


Some other top albums of mine are as follows:
The Bad Plus, These Are the Vistas (2003)
The Beatles, 1 (2000)
Beck, Guero (2005)
Ben Folds, Rockin' the Suburbs (2001)
Ben Harper, Diamonds on the Inside (2003)
Coldplay, A Rush of Blood to the Head (2002)
Damien Rice, O (2003)
David Gray, White Ladder (2000)
The Eagles, Hotel California (1976)
Elton John, Greatest Hits (1974)
Jack Johnson, On & On (2003)
Jamie Cullum, Twentysomething (2004)
Moulin Rouge Soundtrack (2001)
Norah Jones, Feels Like Home (2004)
Pink Floyd, The Wall (1979)
The Postal Service, Give Up (2003)
Radiohead, OK Computer (1997)


Give a listen. I hope you'll agree that these albums are great!

musical influences.

If you know me at all, you know that music is a big part of my life. Whether it is singing, playing, listening, or concert-going, music is easily one of my biggest passions. I have always loved music. From an early age, music has resonated deep within my soul.

I grew up on classic rock, mostly. The Beach Boys, Elton John, Pink Floyd, Cheap Trick, the Eagles, ELO, Styx, and the Who were regularly heard through the speakers in my house as a kid.


Some of my earliest and most favorite memories include music. For example, playing the air guitar to Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me" in the living room with my dad, riding in my dad's truck while listening to Pink Floyd's "Run Like Hell," or going for drives in my mom's car while listening to Elton John's "Bennie and the Jets."


My early exposure to such incredible musicians has influenced my love of music from a very early age. I still love all of thes musicians today, and my appreciation for them has continued to grow as I get older.


My musical tastes have largely expanded since I was younger to include most genres of music, such as alternative, folk, blues, jazz, R&B, soul, hip-hop, gospel, reggae, bluegrass, acoustic, classical, and beyond.

It's amazing how hearing a song can bring back long forgotten memories and emotions that I haven't felt in years. Many of my life memories are tied to music--particular artists or songs that I listened to at certain times of my life, on certain trips, in certain places.

Music is powerful like that. It reaches deep inside of me and tugs at my heart, stretching me to think and express myself. Music is beautiful and mysterious like that. It moves my soul like that.

playing on the swings.

it's great to be a kid at heart.

a half-hearted over-achiever.

that's the new term i have come up with for myself. actually, it just kinda fell on me just now. and i think it is completely accurate. whether that's good or bad, i'm not not sure!

the scotland update: still thinking. now i am realizing that ten months is a really long period of time. i don't know if i want to be away for so long. maybe it wouldn't be so bad. do i really want to be gone for ten whole months? i am confused. and my mind is arguing between imagination and practicality. hm. i need to up the prayer time.


yesterday, beeky, rob, dan, charlie and i went to the foreign land of canada. it was awesome. we spent the day in vancouver, shopping, eating, and playing at stanley park. much fun and laughter were had by all. we must go again.


happy [early] birthday beeky!

mid-quarter update.

you know, life is funny. i think i go through seasons of blog-writing. i haven't seemed to need it so much lately.

life is moving along rather quickly. i like it that way, at least for now. the sooner i can be done with school, the better! i can already feel the stress lifting. glorious.

i've been thinking a lot about "wholeness" this quarter and what it means for me. it seems that many parts of my life are coming together in a way i haven't experienced before. it feels pretty darn good.

we had a holy spirit party at church on saturday night. i received some victory for some things as well as an overwhelming sense of peace and joy. corrie prophesied over me that art and music are in my future and that my stage from which to speak would be bigger than i ever imagined. i'll take it.

i'm still thinking about scotland. just checking my motives now... actually, that might be a lie. i think i know what i need to do, but i am just worried. maybe i just need to suck it up and get some faith.

i love my house. it has been so great to get to know everyone better and grow together this quarter. there is so much joy and life in this house. being here has more than changed my life.

a random thought from this morning: i am a huge idealist at heart, but i try to make myself into a realist, thinking that it is somehow better. i am a big dreamer, but i am realizing that i tend to downplay a lot of my big dreams and ideas because i want to be "sensible" or something. i think i can hold myself back in that way. i don't want to do that anymore. i think it would be better to dream big, go after those dreams and fail miserably than to do nothing about them at all.

looking forward to these things this quarter: the shins and alexi mudoch concerts (among others), cafe night, writing my last college papers, taking my last finals, going to canada for beeky's birthday, campus harvest, and family vacay at the grand cayman islands!


you know you have great friends when you can spend two years apart, come back together and have the same bond. it was great to get reconnected with these fabulous people over break, most of whom i don't talk to regularly. it was good to realize how much they have enriched my life and how much i miss them!