sooo this past quarter was intense. if you've had to interact with me at all this quarter, you would know. sorry if i seemed a little aloof. by the end of the quarter, it had become obvious that the Lord was completely stipping me some serious things that have been holding me back from running after Him.
i have been praying that God would take control of my life and my future. for the longest time, my heart didn't realize that i must give up my own self-reliance first. hm. for God to be in control of my life, i had to give up self-control almost completely. it was a little rocky for a while, but it's only getting better and better.
all quarter, i felt like i was dropping off the deep end. i felt out of control and stressed out and i felt more stagnant than ever. but then God spoke directly to my heart a few weeks ago. i felt him saying i was enough for him, that i didn't need to be more than i am to be accepted by him and to thrive in him. i felt him saying that he had allowed me to go through this difficult and nearly unbearable quarter in order to teach me something great. and the past few weeks i have felt a greater peace and understanding.
i am learning to enjoy the process of life. sometimes it sucks, but that means that i am growing and learning and i can still find joy in those times. i am finally starting to understand what that means.
on a side-note, i went SKIING yesterday!! there was fresh powder everywhere. it was SO fun. i forgot how much i love to ski. i am going to go again SOON. i love skiing. but man, i was SORE afterwards. it's the kind of sore, though, that hurts so good. =)
12.27.2006
12.17.2006
i am covered.
this weekend was the goodfoot retreat at mt. rainier. it was awesome. so many rad and passionate people. i love it.
during worship saturday night, louie had us write down some of our struggles on a quarter-sheet of paper--things that hold us back from God moving more in our lives. i knew right away what to write down, since all quarter i have been looking these things square in the face. my own self reliance and my performace mentality are huge things that are holding me back right now. i wrote these down, among other things.
looking at the paper, i was thinking to myself, "man, i hate that i struggle with these things," and i started to get all bummed out. but then God convicted me and i felt Him telling me to write something else my paper: "all are covered by my blood." i wrote it in big letters over the whole piece of paper and copied over it again and again. before long, i couldn't see my weaknesses anymore, because all i could see was that my weaknesses are covered by the blood of Christ. it was a powerful reminder.
i tend to forget that i am always justified. on my best day and on my worst day, i am justified; i am covered. i find it easy to get down on myself and focus too much on my weaknesses, missing the good that God has in me and for me. what i am coming to realize is that i cannot change myself the way God can. i can try really hard and act differently, but in my heart i am unchanged. that is, until i give up control and allow God to change me.
i have known this in my head for a long time, but it is something my heart is still learning. it is only by God's incredible grace that i am changed a little everyday.
during worship saturday night, louie had us write down some of our struggles on a quarter-sheet of paper--things that hold us back from God moving more in our lives. i knew right away what to write down, since all quarter i have been looking these things square in the face. my own self reliance and my performace mentality are huge things that are holding me back right now. i wrote these down, among other things.
looking at the paper, i was thinking to myself, "man, i hate that i struggle with these things," and i started to get all bummed out. but then God convicted me and i felt Him telling me to write something else my paper: "all are covered by my blood." i wrote it in big letters over the whole piece of paper and copied over it again and again. before long, i couldn't see my weaknesses anymore, because all i could see was that my weaknesses are covered by the blood of Christ. it was a powerful reminder.
i tend to forget that i am always justified. on my best day and on my worst day, i am justified; i am covered. i find it easy to get down on myself and focus too much on my weaknesses, missing the good that God has in me and for me. what i am coming to realize is that i cannot change myself the way God can. i can try really hard and act differently, but in my heart i am unchanged. that is, until i give up control and allow God to change me.
i have known this in my head for a long time, but it is something my heart is still learning. it is only by God's incredible grace that i am changed a little everyday.
12.11.2006
fall quarter, in retrospect.
in the style of beeky, i am compiling a list of what i have learned this quarter. don't feel like you need to read all of this--it's more for my own thinking--but feel free if you're interested to know!
some things about me....
i learned that i need balance and consistency in my life, which only God can provide.
i learned that joy and peace are essential to my well-being.
i learned that i don't have to get upset a little dysfunction, but can embrace it and find the humor in it.
i learned that when i'm too introspective, my thoughts can sometimes get the best of me.
i learned that i am really, really stubborn.
i learned that the people i love the most care about me as a person more than what i do.
i learned that i need eight hours of sleep per night to be fully alert in the morning without the help of some serious caffeine.
i learned that vulnerability is the only way to have meaningful relationships.
i learned that i really do love to read, but only when the reading is not required.
i learned that this whole traditional college structure just is not my style of learning.
i learned that i cannot pull self-discipline out of my ass (true story).
i learned that my unhealthy level of stress makes me physically ill (not good).
i learned that it is ok, if not good, to be uncomfortable.
i learned that playing the piano is good for my soul.
i learned that i am a "peaceful phlegmatic"--one who requires peace, respect and self worth :)
i learned that i am an ENFP (with a strong emphasis on the FP).
i learned that i am a dreamer, and that i need to dream big.
i learned that time and distance cannot keep true friends apart.
i learned that writing (journaling and blogging) clears my head.
i learned that i can have grace with people all the time, but not with myself (God is working on it).
i learned that even 12 credits is more than i would prefer to take in a quarter.
i learned that my feelings too often determine my actions.
i learned that it is ok to be distracted sometimes.
i learned to embrace my artist's soul and have found it to be a huge part of who i am and how i see the world.
i learned that i like being goofy more than i like being serious.
generally light-hearted tid-bits...
i learned that church functions involving dancing bring out my "sassy" side.
i learned that short hair (on me) is decent.
i learned that talking on my cell phone while i'm driving impairs my sensibility enough to impulsively honk at people and flip them off.
i learned that, if thrown at a high enough velocity, a cell phone will shatter when it hits the wall.
i learned that "house meeting" really means "comedy hour" in the queen anne palace.
i learned that i am (at least slightly) lactose intolerant.
i learned that kerry park is the best place to walk to, sit, think, listen to my ipod, watch sunsets, drink coffee and contemplate life.
i learned that if you microwave popcorn for long enough, it will melt into a solid and unidentifiable glob.
i learned that my mom is a wild and crazy concert-goer.
i learned that i still do not like country music.
i learned that old and small toyotas cannot make it up snow-covered hills.
i learned that our neighbors do not appreciate late-night music, screaming or laughter.
i learned that the greatest revelations come to me in the shower.
i learned that event planning is NOT an interest of mine.
i learned that some people cut off and throw away the brownie crust, a fact that i still cannot comprehend.
i learned that disappearing silverware causes confusion.
i learned that it's possible to buy nine CDs in seven days.
i learned that pancakes really do make you sick by then end of them.
i learned that aparthy towards my college classes is not conducive to passing them.
i learned that it is difficult to be in shape and live in a house of eight girls who bake desserts everyday.
my housemates...
i learned that if kelly stands at the front door to hug you goodbye, she is secretly plotting to pin you down and tickle you.
i learned that christina is not a good person to surprise when it is late at night and people are sleeping.
i learned that bethany is a stereotypical mexican woman at heart.
i learned that if you appear to be having a crisis, you can distract kelly away from anything.
and most importantly...
i learned that it's ok to be myself and not worry what people will think of me.
i learned that life without passion, purpose and the enjoyment of God is just not worth it.
i learned that i need to live life, rather than just prepare for it.
i learned that i need to be confident of my identity in Christ.
i learned that the way i look is not as important as who i present myself to be.
i learned that my worth does not come from what i do or accomplish, but by simply being a child of God.
i learned that i love life most when i do my best to experience the fullness of the here and now.
i learned that life is a process and a journey; one for which i will never figure out or be perfect at, but one i can find joy in everyday.
some things about me....
i learned that i need balance and consistency in my life, which only God can provide.
i learned that joy and peace are essential to my well-being.
i learned that i don't have to get upset a little dysfunction, but can embrace it and find the humor in it.
i learned that when i'm too introspective, my thoughts can sometimes get the best of me.
i learned that i am really, really stubborn.
i learned that the people i love the most care about me as a person more than what i do.
i learned that i need eight hours of sleep per night to be fully alert in the morning without the help of some serious caffeine.
i learned that vulnerability is the only way to have meaningful relationships.
i learned that i really do love to read, but only when the reading is not required.
i learned that this whole traditional college structure just is not my style of learning.
i learned that i cannot pull self-discipline out of my ass (true story).
i learned that my unhealthy level of stress makes me physically ill (not good).
i learned that it is ok, if not good, to be uncomfortable.
i learned that playing the piano is good for my soul.
i learned that i am a "peaceful phlegmatic"--one who requires peace, respect and self worth :)
i learned that i am an ENFP (with a strong emphasis on the FP).
i learned that i am a dreamer, and that i need to dream big.
i learned that time and distance cannot keep true friends apart.
i learned that writing (journaling and blogging) clears my head.
i learned that i can have grace with people all the time, but not with myself (God is working on it).
i learned that even 12 credits is more than i would prefer to take in a quarter.
i learned that my feelings too often determine my actions.
i learned that it is ok to be distracted sometimes.
i learned to embrace my artist's soul and have found it to be a huge part of who i am and how i see the world.
i learned that i like being goofy more than i like being serious.
generally light-hearted tid-bits...
i learned that church functions involving dancing bring out my "sassy" side.
i learned that short hair (on me) is decent.
i learned that talking on my cell phone while i'm driving impairs my sensibility enough to impulsively honk at people and flip them off.
i learned that, if thrown at a high enough velocity, a cell phone will shatter when it hits the wall.
i learned that "house meeting" really means "comedy hour" in the queen anne palace.
i learned that i am (at least slightly) lactose intolerant.
i learned that kerry park is the best place to walk to, sit, think, listen to my ipod, watch sunsets, drink coffee and contemplate life.
i learned that if you microwave popcorn for long enough, it will melt into a solid and unidentifiable glob.
i learned that my mom is a wild and crazy concert-goer.
i learned that i still do not like country music.
i learned that old and small toyotas cannot make it up snow-covered hills.
i learned that our neighbors do not appreciate late-night music, screaming or laughter.
i learned that the greatest revelations come to me in the shower.
i learned that event planning is NOT an interest of mine.
i learned that some people cut off and throw away the brownie crust, a fact that i still cannot comprehend.
i learned that disappearing silverware causes confusion.
i learned that it's possible to buy nine CDs in seven days.
i learned that pancakes really do make you sick by then end of them.
i learned that aparthy towards my college classes is not conducive to passing them.
i learned that it is difficult to be in shape and live in a house of eight girls who bake desserts everyday.
my housemates...
i learned that if kelly stands at the front door to hug you goodbye, she is secretly plotting to pin you down and tickle you.
i learned that christina is not a good person to surprise when it is late at night and people are sleeping.
i learned that bethany is a stereotypical mexican woman at heart.
i learned that if you appear to be having a crisis, you can distract kelly away from anything.
and most importantly...
i learned that it's ok to be myself and not worry what people will think of me.
i learned that life without passion, purpose and the enjoyment of God is just not worth it.
i learned that i need to live life, rather than just prepare for it.
i learned that i need to be confident of my identity in Christ.
i learned that the way i look is not as important as who i present myself to be.
i learned that my worth does not come from what i do or accomplish, but by simply being a child of God.
i learned that i love life most when i do my best to experience the fullness of the here and now.
i learned that life is a process and a journey; one for which i will never figure out or be perfect at, but one i can find joy in everyday.
12.08.2006
saved everyday.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has give us *new birth* into a *living hope* through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that that is ready to be revealed in the last time.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that you faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined fire--may be proved *genuine* and may result in "praise, glory and honor* when Jesus Christ is revealed.
"Though you have not see Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an INEXPRESSIBLE AND GLORIOUS JOY, for you are *RECEIVING* the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
-:- 1 Peter 1:3-9 -:-
I am so thankful for these incredible women of God for all of the amazing love and encouragement they show me everyday. Thanks :)
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that you faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined fire--may be proved *genuine* and may result in "praise, glory and honor* when Jesus Christ is revealed.
"Though you have not see Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an INEXPRESSIBLE AND GLORIOUS JOY, for you are *RECEIVING* the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
-:- 1 Peter 1:3-9 -:-
I am so thankful for these incredible women of God for all of the amazing love and encouragement they show me everyday. Thanks :)
12.04.2006
at the end of MY rope.
yesterday was an "aha!" kind of day. praise the LORD. today i have felt a great joy and peace that has been missing from my life.
and today has been the best day of the quarter, for sure. crazy how quickly circumstances can change. i will write about it soon.
and today has been the best day of the quarter, for sure. crazy how quickly circumstances can change. i will write about it soon.
12.03.2006
three more dayssss.
two huge papers and a final exam and i'm DONE with fall quarter. and then sweet, sweet rest and relaxation.
this is the best time of year. post-finals, obviously. all the parties and festivities...christmas, new year's and my birthday!! [21, baby!] seeing old friends, spending time with family, twinkly lights, being jolly, christmas music, hot spiced cider [yum!], the smell of pine from the christmas tree, snow [maybe? please?]...chestnuts roasting on an open fire...making shortbread cookies, watching national lampoon's christmas vacation (my family just doesn't find 'it's a wonderful life' to be all that wonderful), and karaoke with my lounge-singing grandpa.
bring it on.
this is the best time of year. post-finals, obviously. all the parties and festivities...christmas, new year's and my birthday!! [21, baby!] seeing old friends, spending time with family, twinkly lights, being jolly, christmas music, hot spiced cider [yum!], the smell of pine from the christmas tree, snow [maybe? please?]...chestnuts roasting on an open fire...making shortbread cookies, watching national lampoon's christmas vacation (my family just doesn't find 'it's a wonderful life' to be all that wonderful), and karaoke with my lounge-singing grandpa.
bring it on.
12.02.2006
inspiration!
i love being around artistic and creative people. i feel alive around these people. they inspire me.
i went to the GoodFoot meeting last night. SO AMAZING! the more i explore my artistic and creative side [especially through music and writing], the more i feel my spirit come alive! i love it!
i have always felt like i am an artist. but because i have never spent a lot of time pursuing art [for various reason which i will not go into now], i am not really proficient at any one thing. but i LOVE singing, playing the piano, writing, drawing, taking pictures, and many other artistic and creative things and all i want to do right now is invest, invest, invest in this artistic side of my personality that is so a part of me that i can't seem to contain it anymore.
you know when you feel like something is such a huge part of who you are that you just know it's going to be a huge of your future?
mmm...i'm excited.
i went to the GoodFoot meeting last night. SO AMAZING! the more i explore my artistic and creative side [especially through music and writing], the more i feel my spirit come alive! i love it!
i have always felt like i am an artist. but because i have never spent a lot of time pursuing art [for various reason which i will not go into now], i am not really proficient at any one thing. but i LOVE singing, playing the piano, writing, drawing, taking pictures, and many other artistic and creative things and all i want to do right now is invest, invest, invest in this artistic side of my personality that is so a part of me that i can't seem to contain it anymore.
you know when you feel like something is such a huge part of who you are that you just know it's going to be a huge of your future?
mmm...i'm excited.
12.01.2006
apologies to those who read my ramblings.
consider today's earlier post as a window into the inner-workings of my mind. it's a dense, messed up and crazy place--sorry. it overwhelms me just looking at it. if you prefer, here is a pictoral representation of said post with beautiful images from alaska. you should be able to see the point.
some seasons are just a little rougher than others:
something is missing from my life:
[photo credit: mike demmert/erik beitzel--thanks!]
some seasons are just a little rougher than others:
something is missing from my life:
[photo credit: mike demmert/erik beitzel--thanks!]
a [crazy, interesting, difficult] fork in the road.
in the past few days i have focused all of my thousands of little thoughts into a few overwhelmingly important and all-inclusive issues/questions that need to be addressed. my future is ahead of me and i find myself at a fork in the road between two different and possibly good directions. i have yet to discover which direction i am heading, but i am starting to lean [maybe somewhat heavily] in one direction. it may require a little back-tracking, but i'm not even sure. at this moment in time, these questions relate most to the internship i am in with my church, which ends in june, but these questions also more broadly reflect the slightly more distant upcoming years of my life as i graduate in march and enter the "real world."
allow me to break it down...
option 1: i could stay where i'm at. i am facing all of my weaknesses square in the face. i am being stretched. my strengths are not being used to full potential. i don't find joy it in anymore. i am near miserable everyday. stress inhibits me from doing anything else. i am frustrated. my passions and desires leave me looking for more. but i am learning and growing a lot. i don't feel near as effective as i have been in the past and i don't feel as effective as i think i could be now. i will most likely continue to learn some things on this road, but at [un]necessary costs?
option 2: change directions. go to where my strengths and desires are. simplify my life. get back to the basics. focus my ministry to the individuals God has put on my heart. take the time to invest in my God-given strengths, passions and desires. reduce stress and worry to a balance that is manageable for my naturally spastic mind. address my weakness on the side, rather than putting them at the forefront of my life. choose to run after the passions and desires that i have near ignored for my entire life.
the question now is whether or not God would prefer me to stick it out, hating my situation, struggling everyday by the overwhelming stress of my weaknesses, to hopefully come out later a little bit better than i am now, or would God prefer that i look to my strengths and use the wisdom, passions and desires He has given me to make the choice that i see as the most appropriate in order for me to be most effective as a minister, daughter, friend, and so on.
seasons. there are seasons for everything. for instance, this has been a season of figuring out who i am. it's brilliant and exhausting. is this season supposed to continue in this manner? or has it gone on long enough? have i already understood the point, or is there something more for this particular time that i have yet to discover? am i coming into a new and completely different season? should i stick it out or move on?
God gave me a head. i want to use it. He gives me insight, inspiration, imagination, passion, desire. i want to be true to seeking those things with my whole heart. am i making a wrong decision if i don't continue with this internship? is it wrong to work at starbucks if it reduces my stress enough to allow me to be more effective in my personal ministry? i feel constricted to the point that my head is going crazy.
i LOVE ministry. i love sharing my heart [or God's heart, rather] with the people in my life. But i hate the structure of ministry. i want to do it on my own terms, out of the natural overflow of God in me, wherever and whenever than may be. i hate programs. i see the good in them. i admire the good they do. but i am finding more and more that those things are not my style. is that me being stubborn? or is that God's way of wanting to make use of me in other areas?
what is the *balance*? God gives me gifts to use them. i want to be working in my strengths. i want address my weaknesses. i want to become more like Christ. i don't want to wake up every morning and think "oh [cussword] it's morning again." i want to pursue my passions. i connect with God in my passions. i minister most effectively within my passions. what is the cut-off point of doing something i really don't enjoy or want to do? yeah it's not all about me and my happiness, but how long should i be miserable? i want to grow in my strengths and through my weaknesses. i want to embrace the difficulty of life with joy and passion.
i want to do what is right. but i don't know that there is a definite right. "where is God calling me?" well, until God speaks audible words into my ear at night [or maybe in the shower], which to be honest i'm not really expecting, i need to pray for peace. i think that by now i know--with my head that God has given me--what i want to do and where i want to go. but i need peace before i can move on.
i am a dreamer. i love to dream big. but what's the use of having big dreams if i never pursue them?
allow me to break it down...
option 1: i could stay where i'm at. i am facing all of my weaknesses square in the face. i am being stretched. my strengths are not being used to full potential. i don't find joy it in anymore. i am near miserable everyday. stress inhibits me from doing anything else. i am frustrated. my passions and desires leave me looking for more. but i am learning and growing a lot. i don't feel near as effective as i have been in the past and i don't feel as effective as i think i could be now. i will most likely continue to learn some things on this road, but at [un]necessary costs?
option 2: change directions. go to where my strengths and desires are. simplify my life. get back to the basics. focus my ministry to the individuals God has put on my heart. take the time to invest in my God-given strengths, passions and desires. reduce stress and worry to a balance that is manageable for my naturally spastic mind. address my weakness on the side, rather than putting them at the forefront of my life. choose to run after the passions and desires that i have near ignored for my entire life.
the question now is whether or not God would prefer me to stick it out, hating my situation, struggling everyday by the overwhelming stress of my weaknesses, to hopefully come out later a little bit better than i am now, or would God prefer that i look to my strengths and use the wisdom, passions and desires He has given me to make the choice that i see as the most appropriate in order for me to be most effective as a minister, daughter, friend, and so on.
seasons. there are seasons for everything. for instance, this has been a season of figuring out who i am. it's brilliant and exhausting. is this season supposed to continue in this manner? or has it gone on long enough? have i already understood the point, or is there something more for this particular time that i have yet to discover? am i coming into a new and completely different season? should i stick it out or move on?
God gave me a head. i want to use it. He gives me insight, inspiration, imagination, passion, desire. i want to be true to seeking those things with my whole heart. am i making a wrong decision if i don't continue with this internship? is it wrong to work at starbucks if it reduces my stress enough to allow me to be more effective in my personal ministry? i feel constricted to the point that my head is going crazy.
i LOVE ministry. i love sharing my heart [or God's heart, rather] with the people in my life. But i hate the structure of ministry. i want to do it on my own terms, out of the natural overflow of God in me, wherever and whenever than may be. i hate programs. i see the good in them. i admire the good they do. but i am finding more and more that those things are not my style. is that me being stubborn? or is that God's way of wanting to make use of me in other areas?
what is the *balance*? God gives me gifts to use them. i want to be working in my strengths. i want address my weaknesses. i want to become more like Christ. i don't want to wake up every morning and think "oh [cussword] it's morning again." i want to pursue my passions. i connect with God in my passions. i minister most effectively within my passions. what is the cut-off point of doing something i really don't enjoy or want to do? yeah it's not all about me and my happiness, but how long should i be miserable? i want to grow in my strengths and through my weaknesses. i want to embrace the difficulty of life with joy and passion.
i want to do what is right. but i don't know that there is a definite right. "where is God calling me?" well, until God speaks audible words into my ear at night [or maybe in the shower], which to be honest i'm not really expecting, i need to pray for peace. i think that by now i know--with my head that God has given me--what i want to do and where i want to go. but i need peace before i can move on.
i am a dreamer. i love to dream big. but what's the use of having big dreams if i never pursue them?
11.30.2006
seattle.
i looked out the window this afternoon and i thought the sky looked cool, so i headed down to kerry park to check it out and take some pictures:
just a few of the reasons why i love this city...
...
i need inspiration. another thing to add to my on-going list [see my past posts]. taking the time to admire the beauty of God's creation is one of the things that inspires me most. i love being outside and just observing the world around me. it makes me feel so ALIVE!
just a few of the reasons why i love this city...
...
i need inspiration. another thing to add to my on-going list [see my past posts]. taking the time to admire the beauty of God's creation is one of the things that inspires me most. i love being outside and just observing the world around me. it makes me feel so ALIVE!
shower-time revelations.
i am convinced that all good revelations come in the shower. i'm not sure why it works that way. perhaps it is because for 15 minutes [yes, i take long showers] i am finally alone with my thoughts. today's revelation: i cannot pull self-discipline out of my ass. i can't just decide to *be* self-disciplined. especially if i have never had anyone close to me model it. my parents aren't self-disciplined, and my grandparents REALLY aren't self-disciplined. sooo...great! i sometimes get jealous of people who are incredibly self-disciplined. but for as crazy as my life is without much self-discipline, i think the rigidness of a life as disciplined and structured as some of those i know would drive me absolutely nutty.
i am a go-with-the-flow kind of person. kelly and i talk about this frequently. she is the same way. we "peaceful phlematics" enjoy a easy-going and peaceful lifestyle. i can't stand planning, orginization or administration. i don't often see the point. i'm about the big picture. i can set goals to get myself going, and then i will lose sight of my goals completely. and for me, that's ok, because the point is the process and the relationships that happen in between the beginning and the end. i don't really care where i end up, but i want to know that i have learned something and have grown along the way.
obviously, a working balance is required. 'balance' seems to have been the word of my life for the past year. i know that God is wanting to work in those weaknesses in my life. but figuring that out is a whole other story.
i am a go-with-the-flow kind of person. kelly and i talk about this frequently. she is the same way. we "peaceful phlematics" enjoy a easy-going and peaceful lifestyle. i can't stand planning, orginization or administration. i don't often see the point. i'm about the big picture. i can set goals to get myself going, and then i will lose sight of my goals completely. and for me, that's ok, because the point is the process and the relationships that happen in between the beginning and the end. i don't really care where i end up, but i want to know that i have learned something and have grown along the way.
obviously, a working balance is required. 'balance' seems to have been the word of my life for the past year. i know that God is wanting to work in those weaknesses in my life. but figuring that out is a whole other story.
11.28.2006
snow day.
today is a snow day! it would be even cooler if i had classes to be cancelled today. so really, for me, its just like a normal [yet really cold] tuesday. the wind chill is like 15 degrees. i walked outside in a t-shirt because there was a fire down the road across from noah's house [BRRR!!].
i prefer blogging to paper-writing. i have a 15-page paper to write for tomorrow. i haven't started writing it yet. probably because i really don't want to write it. but i am having a good time reading interesting articles online about rap music and their messages about women. if i can find enough written about it i will used that as my topic.
it feels like a saturday because all of my roommates are home. we are watching ellen degeneres and drinking tea! adrian is coming today, too! he just came back from the homeland [alaska]. AND two of my dear friends got engaged last night!! :) :)
i have a feeling that i will be distracted for the rest of this day. i will let you know.
-- update, 12:20 p.m. --
yep. still distracted. and now hungry too. i think i'm going to go get some thai food.
i prefer blogging to paper-writing. i have a 15-page paper to write for tomorrow. i haven't started writing it yet. probably because i really don't want to write it. but i am having a good time reading interesting articles online about rap music and their messages about women. if i can find enough written about it i will used that as my topic.
it feels like a saturday because all of my roommates are home. we are watching ellen degeneres and drinking tea! adrian is coming today, too! he just came back from the homeland [alaska]. AND two of my dear friends got engaged last night!! :) :)
i have a feeling that i will be distracted for the rest of this day. i will let you know.
-- update, 12:20 p.m. --
yep. still distracted. and now hungry too. i think i'm going to go get some thai food.
11.27.2006
photo booth.
if my mac was cool enough to have a fancy little camera built in, i would take more pictures like these ones we took with beeks' computer:
[first house study session turned photo shoot]
[stirzel, beeks and yours truly]
[this reminds me of captain planet. i'm not sure why]
[i call it 'attitude']
the end.
[first house study session turned photo shoot]
[stirzel, beeks and yours truly]
[this reminds me of captain planet. i'm not sure why]
[i call it 'attitude']the end.
balance.
i need a good balance. for whatever reason, i go crazy if my life is not balanced well. i just can't handle it. between trying to balance school work, internship work, personal life and various other things i usually feel like my life is just plain chaotic. i am finding that i need a lot of separation of my spheres of life in order for me to think clearly. my mind (without all the busy work) is a little chaotic on its own...
i am so much more sane when my life is more simple. obviously, life is complicated and always will be. but i don't think i should have to feel like i'm constantly going through the wringer, should i? ok, so the word says that there will trouble. ok, cool. but still. something's not right.
i need school to be school, work to be work and home to be home. i am wondering whether or not vocational campus ministry is for me. the more i experience it, the more i don't really like it, at least in the way i'm doing it now. i LOVE my discussion group and i LOVE meeting with people. i want to do more ministry like that. i think that maybe i am good at those things. i feel like God uses me in those things.
i'm not gonna lie, this overall quarter has not been enjoyable. and worse, i feel like i'm complaining a lot. (sorry if you've had to hear about it all quarter.) i am learning a lot about things, about myself, about life... so that is good...
blah.
i am so much more sane when my life is more simple. obviously, life is complicated and always will be. but i don't think i should have to feel like i'm constantly going through the wringer, should i? ok, so the word says that there will trouble. ok, cool. but still. something's not right.
i need school to be school, work to be work and home to be home. i am wondering whether or not vocational campus ministry is for me. the more i experience it, the more i don't really like it, at least in the way i'm doing it now. i LOVE my discussion group and i LOVE meeting with people. i want to do more ministry like that. i think that maybe i am good at those things. i feel like God uses me in those things.
i'm not gonna lie, this overall quarter has not been enjoyable. and worse, i feel like i'm complaining a lot. (sorry if you've had to hear about it all quarter.) i am learning a lot about things, about myself, about life... so that is good...
blah.
11.25.2006
musica.
maybe i could be a music photo journalist. imagine a job where i could just go to shows and travel around the world to the big music festivals and take pictures and write reviews. that would be tight. i should look into that. i will need a better camera though (and definitely some more picture-taking skills). but christmas and my birthday are coming very soon...
[ray lamontagne at sasquatch, may 2005]
[bluegrass band at the pike place starbucks, february 2005]
[united state of electronica at sasquatch, may 2005]
[the killers at the moore theater, april 2005]
[crazy tap-dancing girl, july 2005]
[my friends jimi, janis, john and van on a random wall in downtown san diego, september 2006]
[ray lamontagne at sasquatch, may 2005]
[bluegrass band at the pike place starbucks, february 2005]
[united state of electronica at sasquatch, may 2005]
[the killers at the moore theater, april 2005]
[crazy tap-dancing girl, july 2005]
[my friends jimi, janis, john and van on a random wall in downtown san diego, september 2006]
11.23.2006
more things figured out.
i need joy. i forgot that one on the list in my last post. i need to enjoy God. and i need confidence. i need to be confident of my identity in Christ. i need to understand my worth as a daughter of God. and i need strength from God to stand against fear and discouragement. i need affirmation. i need vision. i need passion. i need perseverance. i need to rise above. i need determination. i need to dream big. i need to be free to run after God.
all of these things are SO important to me! i need these things [and those things on my previous post] to be a consistent part of my life or i start to go crazy. it seems like a lot, and it is, and yes, it will never be perfectly balanced or maintained, but i need to always remember these things. thankfully, it's a lot easier to trust God for these things than trying to obtain them [or something like them] on my own.
jeremiah 17:7-8 has repeatedly rocked my world since i first read it over a year ago. the imagery is so incredible. i like the new living translation best. it goes: "but blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. they are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit." imagine such a life! after recently getting right with God and knowing little about his character, i read this and was floored. until then, i had not an ounce of true confidence. but this verse cut straight to my heart. this is the life i want: one of confidence, hope and trust in God; a life with deep roots in living water; one without fear or worry; a life that thrives and perseveres and never fails to bear fruit.
another thing i've been thinking about: i want to write a book for young women. nothing fancy--a memoir of sorts. i want to write about some of the things i've learned through my life thus far. issues of identity, confidence, strength, love, faith, family, relationships, boys, depression, anger, pain, self-worth, and so on. basically, i want to empower young women to walk in the confidence of God. i want to challenge young women to step up into their callings. i know that my thoughts will change over time as i mature and go through new life stages, but and i want to write it while i'm somewhat young. i think that there is something so powerful about speaking up to your peer group. and when i'm older maybe i'll write a follow-up book or something. :) just a thought that's been brewing... maybe i will talk to someone who has written a book.
that's all for now.
all of these things are SO important to me! i need these things [and those things on my previous post] to be a consistent part of my life or i start to go crazy. it seems like a lot, and it is, and yes, it will never be perfectly balanced or maintained, but i need to always remember these things. thankfully, it's a lot easier to trust God for these things than trying to obtain them [or something like them] on my own.
jeremiah 17:7-8 has repeatedly rocked my world since i first read it over a year ago. the imagery is so incredible. i like the new living translation best. it goes: "but blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. they are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit." imagine such a life! after recently getting right with God and knowing little about his character, i read this and was floored. until then, i had not an ounce of true confidence. but this verse cut straight to my heart. this is the life i want: one of confidence, hope and trust in God; a life with deep roots in living water; one without fear or worry; a life that thrives and perseveres and never fails to bear fruit.
another thing i've been thinking about: i want to write a book for young women. nothing fancy--a memoir of sorts. i want to write about some of the things i've learned through my life thus far. issues of identity, confidence, strength, love, faith, family, relationships, boys, depression, anger, pain, self-worth, and so on. basically, i want to empower young women to walk in the confidence of God. i want to challenge young women to step up into their callings. i know that my thoughts will change over time as i mature and go through new life stages, but and i want to write it while i'm somewhat young. i think that there is something so powerful about speaking up to your peer group. and when i'm older maybe i'll write a follow-up book or something. :) just a thought that's been brewing... maybe i will talk to someone who has written a book.
that's all for now.
11.22.2006
figuring things out.
i think that this blog has become a place for me to think through some things as i figure out who i am. it is very interesting to me. i have been thinking a lot about what i am going to do after i graduate. i want to do something that i love and that i would be good at. but i don't even know what that is. i think i need to understand who i am better before i jump into a "career" or something. i feel like derek zoolander looking into the puddle and asking himself, "who am i?" after losing the slashie award to hansel. it's kinda strange to reach a point in life and realize that you don't really know what you are good at or interested in. for some, it's always been obvious. for me, it hasn't seemed so obvious. but i am starting to see my true personality come out and it's a bit different than i thought, or at least different than i tried to make it be. maybe it's that i always knew what i love, but always felt like there were more practical things i could be doing. it's not clear yet, but there are a few things i am learning.
so now here are some things i know--some basic, some not--things that i feel are true to the truest me: i am a child of God. i am a daughter. i am a sister. i am a friend. i am a mentor. i am an artist. i am a writer. i am a musician. i am a counselor. i am a listener. i am an encourager. i love people. i love family. i love music. i love culture. i love diversity. i love adventure. i love to travel. i love to express myself. i value honesty. i value truth. i value vulerability. i value unconventionality. i need balance. i need grace. i need peace. i need intimacy. i want to make a difference. i want to serve. i want to love. i want to live. i want to be with God, to know Him, and glorify Him with my life.
i'm sure i will add to this later. but i think this might be a good starting point.
so now here are some things i know--some basic, some not--things that i feel are true to the truest me: i am a child of God. i am a daughter. i am a sister. i am a friend. i am a mentor. i am an artist. i am a writer. i am a musician. i am a counselor. i am a listener. i am an encourager. i love people. i love family. i love music. i love culture. i love diversity. i love adventure. i love to travel. i love to express myself. i value honesty. i value truth. i value vulerability. i value unconventionality. i need balance. i need grace. i need peace. i need intimacy. i want to make a difference. i want to serve. i want to love. i want to live. i want to be with God, to know Him, and glorify Him with my life.
i'm sure i will add to this later. but i think this might be a good starting point.
11.16.2006
the truth will set you free.
"life is difficult. this is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. it is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."
- m. scott peck, the road less traveled
WORD. on one hand, it's hard to accept the fact that life is difficult. sometimes, i'm just like, wow this really sucks right now. on the other hand, i love it. i love coming out on the other end of a difficult situation with more peace, appreciation and understanding than i had before.
i love contemplating the complexity of life. there is so much to learn. i love having difficult conversations--between me and God, or between me and my family and friends. difficulty draws me so much closer to God and to the people in my life. then, somehow, "difficulty" doesn't seem so bad. it's actually kinda cool.
"i have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. in this world you will have trouble. but take heart! i have overcome the world."
- Jesus Christ, the gospel of john (16)
staight up!
- m. scott peck, the road less traveled
WORD. on one hand, it's hard to accept the fact that life is difficult. sometimes, i'm just like, wow this really sucks right now. on the other hand, i love it. i love coming out on the other end of a difficult situation with more peace, appreciation and understanding than i had before.
i love contemplating the complexity of life. there is so much to learn. i love having difficult conversations--between me and God, or between me and my family and friends. difficulty draws me so much closer to God and to the people in my life. then, somehow, "difficulty" doesn't seem so bad. it's actually kinda cool.
"i have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. in this world you will have trouble. but take heart! i have overcome the world."
- Jesus Christ, the gospel of john (16)
staight up!
11.15.2006
growing up, or regressing?
A lot of people tell me that I am “mature.” “you look like you have it all together,” some say. This has always confused me. I have lots of problems. I don’t have it all together. I don’t always understand. I sometimes lose faith. I have serious mood swings. I cuss from time to time. I don’t feel like a very responsible person. I have occasional outbursts. I don’t have it all figured out.
Ok, what’s with all the confessions, you might ask. Well, I am finding that it’s pretty easy for me to hide the fact that I have problems. I am a master of appearing like I have it all together. I have always felt the compulsion to “be on top of things” and that if I failed I was a horrible person. But in this season of sorting through my life, becoming far more comfortable in my own skin, I am realizing that it’s really ok to not have it all together. It’s better, even, to not be perfect—in this world, at least. From the outside, it may look like I am regressing. I never cussed, rarely appeared upset, never voiced my opinions or my thoughts (good or bad). But I have stopped trying to “contain” myself and have allowed myself to let go. All of those things that I have held in are coming out. No, they are not all “good” but I can’t pretend anymore. I feel like I have been liberated. And God is teaching me more in this season than ever before.
I want to be raw, to be real and open. I want my life—my struggles and breakthroughs—to be an avenue for God to minister and to give hope. It’s a completely different way of living and relating than I’ve ever experienced. But as I come into this new understanding, I have seen my relationships grow deeper and have seen the Spirit move in new and powerful ways. It’s crazy.
Hiding is something I learned at a very young age. Ask me how I was and I would put on a smile and attempt to appear ok, just as my mom put on a smile and attempted to appear ok. Everyone thought I was reserved and mature. But no one knew that I hated myself, that depression consumed my life, that my overwhelming sense of fear and insecurity was what kept me so outwardly quiet and collected.
Inside I was screaming, but my fear kept me silent. I had thoughts and emotions, but it was easier for me to numb my mind to anything that had a chance of hurting me. For some, an outlet for such problems is more obvious, like alcohol or bad relationships. For me, it was completely internal. I closed myself in, hating myself, not understanding how I got to be so angry and sad, frustrated, wondering if this was all life was meant to be. Eventually, I quit taking part in all of my biggest passions (piano and soccer), and even fell away from the few friends I had. I knew nothing of joy or peace, or true acceptance. It was better to not even think about the state of my existence. I escaped into a fantasy, an ideal world in my mind, where love and fulfillment replaced anger and disappointment; a place where I was wanted and maybe even cherished.
My parents had been dragging me to church for several years since they became Christians when I was about nine years old, and I even thought that I must have been a “Christian,” but I was never really sure. I didn’t understand what was so great about a God that seemed so passive in my life; a God who wasn’t there in my darkest hours. I just didn’t get it. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the power of God’s hand in my life during that time. Now that I think about it, he was most likely what kept me from physically hurting myself.
Fast-forward a couple of years. I have fully accepted Christ as my Lord for a year and a half now. The God I know today is one of incredible love and peace and joy and revelation, and all of those things I longed for my entire life. God is repairing the deep hurt from the first 19 years of my life, making me into the woman he created me to be.
God does not intend for me to be perfect until I get to Heaven. In the mean itme, I am beginning to understand that He wants me to be completely and unashamedly me. I am still figuring out who that is, but He ministers to me and through me in the process. It’s pretty cool.
I think I am a lot more rough around the edges than most people think, at least more so than I have let people see in the past. But I feel like I am changed a little everyday. And so I press onward.
…
The more I seek you, the more I find you.
The more I find you, the more I love you.
I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand,
lay back against you and breathe, feel your heatbeat.
This love is so deep, it's more than i can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.
- Christ for the Nations, The More I Seek You
Ok, what’s with all the confessions, you might ask. Well, I am finding that it’s pretty easy for me to hide the fact that I have problems. I am a master of appearing like I have it all together. I have always felt the compulsion to “be on top of things” and that if I failed I was a horrible person. But in this season of sorting through my life, becoming far more comfortable in my own skin, I am realizing that it’s really ok to not have it all together. It’s better, even, to not be perfect—in this world, at least. From the outside, it may look like I am regressing. I never cussed, rarely appeared upset, never voiced my opinions or my thoughts (good or bad). But I have stopped trying to “contain” myself and have allowed myself to let go. All of those things that I have held in are coming out. No, they are not all “good” but I can’t pretend anymore. I feel like I have been liberated. And God is teaching me more in this season than ever before.
I want to be raw, to be real and open. I want my life—my struggles and breakthroughs—to be an avenue for God to minister and to give hope. It’s a completely different way of living and relating than I’ve ever experienced. But as I come into this new understanding, I have seen my relationships grow deeper and have seen the Spirit move in new and powerful ways. It’s crazy.
Hiding is something I learned at a very young age. Ask me how I was and I would put on a smile and attempt to appear ok, just as my mom put on a smile and attempted to appear ok. Everyone thought I was reserved and mature. But no one knew that I hated myself, that depression consumed my life, that my overwhelming sense of fear and insecurity was what kept me so outwardly quiet and collected.
Inside I was screaming, but my fear kept me silent. I had thoughts and emotions, but it was easier for me to numb my mind to anything that had a chance of hurting me. For some, an outlet for such problems is more obvious, like alcohol or bad relationships. For me, it was completely internal. I closed myself in, hating myself, not understanding how I got to be so angry and sad, frustrated, wondering if this was all life was meant to be. Eventually, I quit taking part in all of my biggest passions (piano and soccer), and even fell away from the few friends I had. I knew nothing of joy or peace, or true acceptance. It was better to not even think about the state of my existence. I escaped into a fantasy, an ideal world in my mind, where love and fulfillment replaced anger and disappointment; a place where I was wanted and maybe even cherished.
My parents had been dragging me to church for several years since they became Christians when I was about nine years old, and I even thought that I must have been a “Christian,” but I was never really sure. I didn’t understand what was so great about a God that seemed so passive in my life; a God who wasn’t there in my darkest hours. I just didn’t get it. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the power of God’s hand in my life during that time. Now that I think about it, he was most likely what kept me from physically hurting myself.
Fast-forward a couple of years. I have fully accepted Christ as my Lord for a year and a half now. The God I know today is one of incredible love and peace and joy and revelation, and all of those things I longed for my entire life. God is repairing the deep hurt from the first 19 years of my life, making me into the woman he created me to be.
God does not intend for me to be perfect until I get to Heaven. In the mean itme, I am beginning to understand that He wants me to be completely and unashamedly me. I am still figuring out who that is, but He ministers to me and through me in the process. It’s pretty cool.
I think I am a lot more rough around the edges than most people think, at least more so than I have let people see in the past. But I feel like I am changed a little everyday. And so I press onward.
…
The more I seek you, the more I find you.
The more I find you, the more I love you.
I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand,
lay back against you and breathe, feel your heatbeat.
This love is so deep, it's more than i can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.
- Christ for the Nations, The More I Seek You
11.07.2006
what is life if it's not lived?
i get distracted easily. i am finding more and more that my own curiosity keeps my mind constantly turning over, constantly seeking understanding, constantly reflecting on my life past, present and future. often i can't even focus on the things i need to do because my thoughts are so overwhelming. when i have something on mind, i can do nothing else but to think it through--to process and reflect-- and to pray until i come out with some sort of breakthrough.
about two months ago i wrote down that this season would be one of incredible soul searching. i am undecided at how big of an understatement that might have been. i have had so much on my mind in the past weeks that i haven't even been able to articulate it until recently. but many things are coming to the surface--things deep down in my soul and in my past that i never even realized. i love it when God reveals these things to me. my life begins to make so much more sense. who i am begins to make so much more sense.
i love journaling. it's my outlet and one of my most treasured forms of expression. once i start writing, i could go for hours, letting out my thoughts, asking tough questions, letting go of my fears, making my stand. i always learn something new about myself when i journal. there are thoughts so far removed from my immediate consciousness that i don't even realize them until they come out on the page--connections i never understood, feelings i never expressed.
last week, after an intense uprising in my spirit, my mind was a whirlwind of cloudy ponderings and so i sat down to journal, and what i wrote caught me a little off guard. i wrote that i hate feeling like i'm always preparing for my life and never living it. i wasn't really expecting that. though once i read it, it made perfect sense to me. it was exactly what i had been sensing deep down but had yet to discover. the unsettled feeling in my soul finally made sense.
i want to be a person who experiences the fullness of the here and now. if i am always "preparing" then i'm not actually living. i want to be out in the world. i want to get out of this bubble. i want to live. i want to be. i hate feeling like i'm only doing the things i do so that something will come of it in the future. i feel like i am jumping through hoops, exerting myself beyond my capabilities, and for what? an unreachable perfection that is so unnecessary that the thought of it gives me a headache? it's boring and draining and i hate it. (maybe hate is a strong word. but i feel strongly about this.) it's just not me.
i'm not perfect, and i don't want to be. who the heck would i relate to? i long for intimacy in my life. i want to dig deeper. i don't want to act like i have it all together, when most of the time i really don't. i want to get worked up and upset. it's incredibly liberating. i don't want to hold back. i want to be passionately devoted to the here and now, not forgetting the future, but not missing the present.
it's a mind-set thing (thank God). there is no need for me to enact some sort of huge reform on my schedule in order to change my life. it's an issue of focus--of knowing who i'm called to be, pressing into it and investing in it. it takes discernment and prayer. it takes an attitude of *being* and not just *doing*.
[ so this is where i change my life. ]
about two months ago i wrote down that this season would be one of incredible soul searching. i am undecided at how big of an understatement that might have been. i have had so much on my mind in the past weeks that i haven't even been able to articulate it until recently. but many things are coming to the surface--things deep down in my soul and in my past that i never even realized. i love it when God reveals these things to me. my life begins to make so much more sense. who i am begins to make so much more sense.
i love journaling. it's my outlet and one of my most treasured forms of expression. once i start writing, i could go for hours, letting out my thoughts, asking tough questions, letting go of my fears, making my stand. i always learn something new about myself when i journal. there are thoughts so far removed from my immediate consciousness that i don't even realize them until they come out on the page--connections i never understood, feelings i never expressed.
last week, after an intense uprising in my spirit, my mind was a whirlwind of cloudy ponderings and so i sat down to journal, and what i wrote caught me a little off guard. i wrote that i hate feeling like i'm always preparing for my life and never living it. i wasn't really expecting that. though once i read it, it made perfect sense to me. it was exactly what i had been sensing deep down but had yet to discover. the unsettled feeling in my soul finally made sense.
i want to be a person who experiences the fullness of the here and now. if i am always "preparing" then i'm not actually living. i want to be out in the world. i want to get out of this bubble. i want to live. i want to be. i hate feeling like i'm only doing the things i do so that something will come of it in the future. i feel like i am jumping through hoops, exerting myself beyond my capabilities, and for what? an unreachable perfection that is so unnecessary that the thought of it gives me a headache? it's boring and draining and i hate it. (maybe hate is a strong word. but i feel strongly about this.) it's just not me.
i'm not perfect, and i don't want to be. who the heck would i relate to? i long for intimacy in my life. i want to dig deeper. i don't want to act like i have it all together, when most of the time i really don't. i want to get worked up and upset. it's incredibly liberating. i don't want to hold back. i want to be passionately devoted to the here and now, not forgetting the future, but not missing the present.
it's a mind-set thing (thank God). there is no need for me to enact some sort of huge reform on my schedule in order to change my life. it's an issue of focus--of knowing who i'm called to be, pressing into it and investing in it. it takes discernment and prayer. it takes an attitude of *being* and not just *doing*.
[ so this is where i change my life. ]
9.08.2006
a search for repose begins.
I have decided that there must be a balance. This I cannot get out of my head. There must be an intersection of the crazy extremes of my life. There must be some common place, a middle ground, the best of two different worlds.
This is my search for repose; the peace, the quiet, the stillness, the calm during the storm of my life.
...
It's possible, right? The balance, I mean. I'm beginning to think so, at least.
I cannot fully explain the subtle ways in which God has been speaking to me over the past few weeks. In my often confused mind I have become desperate to know God, to be with him, to experience the peace of sitting in his presence continually.
I have been through seasons when life isn't so complicated, where loving Jesus is easy, when being with God is light-hearted and fun, when everything is praises and laughter, and I cherish those times. But I've also had my share of moments as an unstable, emotional wreck.
Over the past few weeks, I have seen the God of comfort and peace expand in my life from Lord and Savior to the place of my best friend. He is my source of stability when I have none. He listens to me when I am upset and overwhelmed. He patiently waits for me, all judgements aside. He accepts me when I can't even accept myself.
When life is a whirlwind and I feel like I'm getting lost in the mix, I am rooted in Jesus. I am taken care of. I am accounted for. Not only that, my roots are growing deeper.
Many times past I have felt surrounded by darkness with little hope for the future. Recently, I have seen a glimpse of the peace of being with God. It doesn't come from going to church and doing ministry--although those things are great--but from simply being with God, communing with him, being still and listening to his quiet voice.
...
I have never felt so strongly God's direction in my life. It is not a clear outline, but a longing deep within me. I long for his presence and his peace, the joy from experiencing him, the stability and the consistency he provides.
This season is going to be one of incredible soul searching. I desire to be intimate with my best friend, to know his heart. I want to experience him in the quiet moments and in the crazy moments too. I want to be like him. I want the repose in life that only comes from knowing him.
I want to press in to my destiny.
This is my search for repose; the peace, the quiet, the stillness, the calm during the storm of my life.
...
It's possible, right? The balance, I mean. I'm beginning to think so, at least.
I cannot fully explain the subtle ways in which God has been speaking to me over the past few weeks. In my often confused mind I have become desperate to know God, to be with him, to experience the peace of sitting in his presence continually.
I have been through seasons when life isn't so complicated, where loving Jesus is easy, when being with God is light-hearted and fun, when everything is praises and laughter, and I cherish those times. But I've also had my share of moments as an unstable, emotional wreck.
Over the past few weeks, I have seen the God of comfort and peace expand in my life from Lord and Savior to the place of my best friend. He is my source of stability when I have none. He listens to me when I am upset and overwhelmed. He patiently waits for me, all judgements aside. He accepts me when I can't even accept myself.
When life is a whirlwind and I feel like I'm getting lost in the mix, I am rooted in Jesus. I am taken care of. I am accounted for. Not only that, my roots are growing deeper.
Many times past I have felt surrounded by darkness with little hope for the future. Recently, I have seen a glimpse of the peace of being with God. It doesn't come from going to church and doing ministry--although those things are great--but from simply being with God, communing with him, being still and listening to his quiet voice.
...
I have never felt so strongly God's direction in my life. It is not a clear outline, but a longing deep within me. I long for his presence and his peace, the joy from experiencing him, the stability and the consistency he provides.
This season is going to be one of incredible soul searching. I desire to be intimate with my best friend, to know his heart. I want to experience him in the quiet moments and in the crazy moments too. I want to be like him. I want the repose in life that only comes from knowing him.
I want to press in to my destiny.
8.31.2006
tales of an extreme fisherwoman.
when you live on a fishing boat, life is all about fishing. it is extremely focused. pull away from the dock and all of a sudden, nothing matters but to effectively work together to catch the most amount of fish. strategies are created, sacrifices are made, hard work is given, and faith is put in the sea to produce an abundant harvest. the outside world doesn't matter to us. we are in our element and we cannot be distracted from it.
as fishermen, we not only work together, but we experience life together; the flat calms and the 12 foot swells, the ups and the downs of the season. we think about fishing, talk about fishing, share fishing stories, and forcast upcoming fishing trips. not only that, but we encourage one another, laugh with one another, and look out for one another. our crew is our family.
we live an extreme, but exhilarating life. we we don't shower for days on end and we grow our hair to be very long. we eat meat and rice like it's our job. we are up to see the sun rise and set, and we play completely chill music all the time. we drink delicious hot coffee every morning and spicy good earth tea in the evening on the trip back to town. we watch the same good movies in our spare time, only to incessantly quote them later. we watch billions of stars at night. we enjoy the simplicity of life.
mostly importantly, we can hang out with God all day long. there is no noise. not sound--there is plenty of that from the engine. i mean the noise of commitments, meetings, classes, traffic, distractions, and even more stuff to do. in the quietness God ministers directly to our hearts regularly. there is a peacefulness and focus to life that allows us to just be with God all the time. and it is glorious.
...
i have decided that life should be more like fishing. it should have all of the same elements, preferably with greater hygiene. it should be all about the experience of life. it should have the same focus and hard work, but ultimately, it should be about enjoying the scenery. i am convinced that God created us first and foremost to simply be with Him, enjoying Him and all of the small things in life that He has given us for our enjoyment of His creation. not that everyday is going to be all flowers and sunsets, but it's something important to remember often. if this is our only life, why spend everyday being worried and stressed out, hoping that tomorrow will be better?
i want to be a person who enjoys God and enjoys life. i have discovered that i do a great job of convincing myself that i am ok, that i am fine, that things are for the most part good. but when i really get real with myself, i see that i miss out on all of the little things, letting stress consume my thoughts. i am constantly mentally exhausted. i am making it a personal initiative to be more intentional about taking the time necessary to enjoy God and enjoy life every day. i want to be the woman God created me to be--the daughter that He created to love and enjoy himself.
...
i made a list of some of my favorite things about fishing that i am going to make a more regular part of my life. these are things that i love but i don't ususally take the time to do them. here are a few: waking up early and enjoying a quiet morning, watching sunsets whenever possible, looking at the stars on clear nights, writing/journaling every day as often as possible, being silly and goofy and laughing frequently, being extreme and different, taking walks in the rain, taking more pictures of God's creation, pausing to watch life take place around me, wearing ridiculously big sunglasses, not buying stuff i don't need, living with simplicity and focus, visiting my family often, exploring more artistic expression, playing cards on rainy afternoons, going to bed early, going on late-night adventures, dancing in the kitchen, exploring new places, uncharted waters, taking boat rides as often as possible, not doing everything, doing what i'm called to do with all my heart, listening to God everyday, allowing God to speak to me every day.
...
on the boat ths summer, i learned something about being myself and not caring about what people think of me. it's hard to care about what someone thinks of you when they see you first thing in the morning, four days without a shower, fish scales stuck on your face, wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday and the day before that, and the day before that... i was challenged to be completely myself, with nothing to hide behind nice clothes or makeup or clean hair. it was incredibly freeing. it was like we were all just real with one another. no facades or impressive appearances, just our unique personalities and sense of humor to enjoy.
i have decided to stop letting what others think of me determine what i will and will not do. no more doing things to please people, bending myself more in one direction so someone might think i'm cool or something. i am going to be myelf. i am going to be quirky. i am going to be silly and sometimes a little aloof. my mind will wander frequently. i am going to sing at the top of my lungs and i am going to dance around to the music in my bedroom. i am going to have more awkward moments than i will be able to count. i am going to be spontaneous as often as is appropriate. i am going to make bad jokes and laugh at them. i am going to live in the thick of life and love every moment.
this is who i am.
as fishermen, we not only work together, but we experience life together; the flat calms and the 12 foot swells, the ups and the downs of the season. we think about fishing, talk about fishing, share fishing stories, and forcast upcoming fishing trips. not only that, but we encourage one another, laugh with one another, and look out for one another. our crew is our family.
we live an extreme, but exhilarating life. we we don't shower for days on end and we grow our hair to be very long. we eat meat and rice like it's our job. we are up to see the sun rise and set, and we play completely chill music all the time. we drink delicious hot coffee every morning and spicy good earth tea in the evening on the trip back to town. we watch the same good movies in our spare time, only to incessantly quote them later. we watch billions of stars at night. we enjoy the simplicity of life.
mostly importantly, we can hang out with God all day long. there is no noise. not sound--there is plenty of that from the engine. i mean the noise of commitments, meetings, classes, traffic, distractions, and even more stuff to do. in the quietness God ministers directly to our hearts regularly. there is a peacefulness and focus to life that allows us to just be with God all the time. and it is glorious.
...
i have decided that life should be more like fishing. it should have all of the same elements, preferably with greater hygiene. it should be all about the experience of life. it should have the same focus and hard work, but ultimately, it should be about enjoying the scenery. i am convinced that God created us first and foremost to simply be with Him, enjoying Him and all of the small things in life that He has given us for our enjoyment of His creation. not that everyday is going to be all flowers and sunsets, but it's something important to remember often. if this is our only life, why spend everyday being worried and stressed out, hoping that tomorrow will be better?
i want to be a person who enjoys God and enjoys life. i have discovered that i do a great job of convincing myself that i am ok, that i am fine, that things are for the most part good. but when i really get real with myself, i see that i miss out on all of the little things, letting stress consume my thoughts. i am constantly mentally exhausted. i am making it a personal initiative to be more intentional about taking the time necessary to enjoy God and enjoy life every day. i want to be the woman God created me to be--the daughter that He created to love and enjoy himself.
...
i made a list of some of my favorite things about fishing that i am going to make a more regular part of my life. these are things that i love but i don't ususally take the time to do them. here are a few: waking up early and enjoying a quiet morning, watching sunsets whenever possible, looking at the stars on clear nights, writing/journaling every day as often as possible, being silly and goofy and laughing frequently, being extreme and different, taking walks in the rain, taking more pictures of God's creation, pausing to watch life take place around me, wearing ridiculously big sunglasses, not buying stuff i don't need, living with simplicity and focus, visiting my family often, exploring more artistic expression, playing cards on rainy afternoons, going to bed early, going on late-night adventures, dancing in the kitchen, exploring new places, uncharted waters, taking boat rides as often as possible, not doing everything, doing what i'm called to do with all my heart, listening to God everyday, allowing God to speak to me every day.
...
on the boat ths summer, i learned something about being myself and not caring about what people think of me. it's hard to care about what someone thinks of you when they see you first thing in the morning, four days without a shower, fish scales stuck on your face, wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday and the day before that, and the day before that... i was challenged to be completely myself, with nothing to hide behind nice clothes or makeup or clean hair. it was incredibly freeing. it was like we were all just real with one another. no facades or impressive appearances, just our unique personalities and sense of humor to enjoy.
i have decided to stop letting what others think of me determine what i will and will not do. no more doing things to please people, bending myself more in one direction so someone might think i'm cool or something. i am going to be myelf. i am going to be quirky. i am going to be silly and sometimes a little aloof. my mind will wander frequently. i am going to sing at the top of my lungs and i am going to dance around to the music in my bedroom. i am going to have more awkward moments than i will be able to count. i am going to be spontaneous as often as is appropriate. i am going to make bad jokes and laugh at them. i am going to live in the thick of life and love every moment.
this is who i am.
7.22.2006
rocked by God.
It's the breakthrough I've been waiting for, searching for, striving for, agonizing over, crying over, needing for my entire life...and I never even knew what i was looking for...until yesterday.
God *accepts* me as I am. I cannot earn his *love* and his *grace* no matter how hard I try. I have already been given *new life* in Christ.
Seems pretty basic I guess--I've heard it over and over, and even told myself that I accept it. But I have had the most difficult time truly receiving it and I never knew why--I just never understood. I know the words, but I didn't know their power.
For my entire life, I have struggled through never feeling wanted, valued, appreciated, legitimate, confident, good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, never feeling accepted by anyone. It's been hard for me to accept the good things of God, never accepting them before and not even knowing how. Even when on the outside I appeared ok, on the inside I was crying out and beating myself up. The anger and resentment I had for who I had become and all of the baggage that was holding me back kept me from receiving God's acceptance of me. There was always something blocking me.
In God's perfect timing, he brought to the surface the roots of these issues, things that have held me in bondage these first 20 1/2 years of my life. He gave me eyes to see the things that I had blocked out of my mind for years, and things about my childhood and upbringing that I never understood. He even brought to light things in my family's past--HUGE things--that I never even knew went on but have been dealing with the effects of for my entire life.
For the first time, I faced the reality of the extent of my own fallen nature. The initial hurt of these revelations was like nothing I have ever felt. But they caused me to cry out to God harder than ever before. I finally realized how much I NEED God. There's no getting around it. I'm way to messed up to try to fix myself any longer.
I hung out with Pastor Carol yesterday and we prayed through some of these things. In prayer, God gave me this vision: I was standing infront of my house. The entry way was a solid brick wall with no door. There was no way around or through it. I was standing there, infront of the wall with a chisel and pic, trying so hard to tap my way in. I created some small holes, but my efforts were failing and I was tiring. I began to push on the wall with all my might, attempting to beat it down, frustrated and struggling, but still it stood firm. When I realized that there was no possible way for me to break down this wall, I stepped aside and looked to God. In one quick motion, he breathed on the wall and it crumbled to the ground and I walked through the door. On the other side there was peace and light and I greeted it with acceptance!
I know that the effects of this revelation will only continue to grow as God continues to reveal himself to me and as I continue to learn how to receive it. I feel a release in my spirit to be content and free like I have not yet experienced.
God is soooooo good.
God *accepts* me as I am. I cannot earn his *love* and his *grace* no matter how hard I try. I have already been given *new life* in Christ.
Seems pretty basic I guess--I've heard it over and over, and even told myself that I accept it. But I have had the most difficult time truly receiving it and I never knew why--I just never understood. I know the words, but I didn't know their power.
For my entire life, I have struggled through never feeling wanted, valued, appreciated, legitimate, confident, good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, never feeling accepted by anyone. It's been hard for me to accept the good things of God, never accepting them before and not even knowing how. Even when on the outside I appeared ok, on the inside I was crying out and beating myself up. The anger and resentment I had for who I had become and all of the baggage that was holding me back kept me from receiving God's acceptance of me. There was always something blocking me.
In God's perfect timing, he brought to the surface the roots of these issues, things that have held me in bondage these first 20 1/2 years of my life. He gave me eyes to see the things that I had blocked out of my mind for years, and things about my childhood and upbringing that I never understood. He even brought to light things in my family's past--HUGE things--that I never even knew went on but have been dealing with the effects of for my entire life.
For the first time, I faced the reality of the extent of my own fallen nature. The initial hurt of these revelations was like nothing I have ever felt. But they caused me to cry out to God harder than ever before. I finally realized how much I NEED God. There's no getting around it. I'm way to messed up to try to fix myself any longer.
I hung out with Pastor Carol yesterday and we prayed through some of these things. In prayer, God gave me this vision: I was standing infront of my house. The entry way was a solid brick wall with no door. There was no way around or through it. I was standing there, infront of the wall with a chisel and pic, trying so hard to tap my way in. I created some small holes, but my efforts were failing and I was tiring. I began to push on the wall with all my might, attempting to beat it down, frustrated and struggling, but still it stood firm. When I realized that there was no possible way for me to break down this wall, I stepped aside and looked to God. In one quick motion, he breathed on the wall and it crumbled to the ground and I walked through the door. On the other side there was peace and light and I greeted it with acceptance!
I know that the effects of this revelation will only continue to grow as God continues to reveal himself to me and as I continue to learn how to receive it. I feel a release in my spirit to be content and free like I have not yet experienced.
God is soooooo good.
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